America's Acupuncturist, Brian Carter's Blog

America's Acupuncturist, Ha!

2008-04-29T16:01:00.000-07:00

I noticed I've been a very bad blogger here- no posts for 6 months!

But what should an ex-acupuncturist say on a blog he hoped would be his podium to become "America's Acupuncturist"?

I suppose if I had been more desperate for that kind of attention I wouldn't have given up until I'd become a regular Oprah guest. But I have a love-hate relationship with fame. Part of me wanted that for a long time- the more spiritual part of me values and desires anonymity. The sensible part knows that fame's not worth the sacrifices especially since fame itself makes you sacrificial. And not always for a good cause.

I did write a book about acupuncture and Oriental Medicine, and I continue to get compliments on it- people keep buying and recommending it, so I'm proud of that effort, which was the capstone of my pulsemed.org work.

Maybe one day when I settle down in my 50's I'll want to do an acupuncture practice again.

CEU/TX CAE Acupuncture Seminar in Houston, TX: Clinical Master Tung's

2007-10-24T18:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Acupuncturists,

I will be giving a seminar focusing on Clinical Master Tung's Acupuncture the weekend of November 17-18, 2007 in Houston. I just gave the seminar to a group here in Los Angeles and we had a good turnout and had both experienced and new people being introduced to the Master Tung Acupuncture system! Some people have asked me the significance of this seminar, and I wanted to reply.

To start with, this seminar focuses on the core of Master Tung's system used clinically for neuromusculoskeletal disorders, which is great for any acupuncturist dealing with pain and/or rehabilitation. It focuses on methods that have an almost instantaneous result. Upon insertion of the needles, one can tell if there is progress or not, then opt for another protocol, if necessary.

On day two of the seminar, I teach the Master Tung points for Internal medicine problems, along with clinical use of herbal prescriptions. More importantly, I teach acupuncturists how to think to develop their point prescriptions, rather than following what I call "cookbook acupuncture". Both days I teach unique protocols that I developed for the clinic, not methods culled from other books or teachers. If they did not work, I did not include them.

For those new to the Master Tung system, I also teach the basic principles and concepts of the system, and the most common points of the system, so that a starting or experienced acupuncturist could use the system immediately in the clinic. I have already travelled throughhout the United States, Canada and parts of Europe to teach these methods. The feedback regarding my protoicols has been excellent!

This seminar deals with unique and exceptional points of Master Tung will be taught. Many of these points will have an instant reaction with the patient. These may be used singly or in combination with pother systems of acupuncture you have already studied! One does not need to have studied the other components of the Tung Acupuncture system to make this system accessible to them! Immediately on Monday, Acupuncturists will be able to implement this in their practice and see the efficacy of these points.

Rather than just relying on rote "cookbook" type recipes for given conditions, this course will step up the game plan of any practicing acupuncturist by letting them select the most potent points of acupuncture based on the disease and flexibly make up acupuncture formulas that have immediate clinical effect. Finally, since I am fluent in English and Chinese, and bridge East and West, modern and ancient, I offer a unique perspective in the practice of Acupuncture. I hope to help Acupuncturists improve and succeed in this great field of medicine.

Best regards,

--
Robert Chu, PhD, L.Ac. QME
chusauli@gmail.com

See my webpages at: www.chusaulei.com

If you'd like to learn Master Tung's system to:

- Increase your clinical efficacy

- Speed your clinical diagnosis utilizing the classical acupuncture methods and get instantaneous results

- Expand your range of treatment options

- Enhance your treatments in the clinic

- Improve your practice

- Learn it all clearly by a native English speaker who bridges East and West

- Discover proven clinical procedures for pain and internal medicine problems

- Master a new protocol for using Master Tung Acupuncture for your patients

- Improve your acupuncture skills

The upcoming seminar on Clinical Master Tung's Acupuncture in Houston, TX will be November 17-18, 2007 at the:

Courtyard by Marriott Houston-Westchase

9975 Westheimer Rd, Houston, TX 77042 (713) 784-3003 FAX (713)-784-9009

On day one, students and practitioners will be taught the principles of Master Tung's Acupuncture, then followed by Master Tung's top 18 points, then move Into Neuromusculoskeletal disorders. This is great if you want to treat pain and rehabilitate patients.

On day two, we will discuss the usage of Tung's points for Internal Medicine problems and making the transition from the conventional TCM system to Master Tung's system. Herbal remedies will also be discussed on how to optimize your practice!

Fee: $325/2 days, students $250/2 days, As a special incentive, I will extend the $25 discount for early registration until 11/2/07, No refunds. I especially like students to come as they are the next generation and have something exciting and new for them at a reduced cost!

15 Ca CEU's and 15 TX CAE's approved, Classes are open to beginner and advanced alike.

Call 626 487-1815 to register

Robert Chu, an exciting and dynamic speaker, has been practicing the Martial and Chinese healing arts since childhood and specializes in Master Tung Acupuncture and Optimal Acupuncture methods for treating pain,
neuromusculoskeletal disorders, and internal medicine problems. Dr. Chu is a graduate and Diplomate in Tung's Acupuncture under Dr. Young Wei-chieh of the World Association of Tung's Acupuncture.

He founded, in mid 2005, ITARA (International Tung's Acupuncture Research Association), a non-political organization devoted to the preservation, standardization, education, and research of Tung's Acupuncture, offering classes for the spread and advancement of Tung's Acupuncture.

In July of 2004, Dr. Chu was selected as the Acupuncturist to Olympic athletes at the Olympic Trials held in Sacramento, CA. He has lectured throughout the United States, Canada and Europe on Master Tung's
Acupuncture.

--
Robert Chu, PhD, L.Ac. QME
chusauli@gmail.com

See my webpages at: www.chusaulei.com

Quick Affordable San Diego Acupuncture

2007-10-01T22:43:00.001-07:00

This is how I think acupuncture should be practiced... it will suit some patients and not others. I think a lot of people will be helped by this:

Acupuncture should be Affordable: Think about people who need acupuncture but whose jobs and finances have been affected by their ailment. What about senior citizens with fixed incomes? What about those laid off work because of injuries and without disability funds?

How can they get acupuncture if acupuncture is $60 or more per treatment? If they need 6-8 treatments just to start, and if it's best to get acupuncture once or twice a week, they need $400-500 spare at least... that's too much for some. Acupuncture shouldn't be just a luxury for the rich.

What if it cost half as much? $30 a treatment. How many more people could get the relief they need?

Acupuncture works without talk therapy: Some acupuncturists talk to each patient for 15 to 30 minutes every visit. Add re-diagnosis, needle insertion, and removal time, and they spend 45-60 minutes with each patient. To make a living, they have to charge $60 per treatment. [We don't keep all the money- there are business costs like needes, malpractice insurance, continuing education, office rental, receptionist, postage, etc.]

Acupuncture, like ex-lax, works regardless of what we say or think, with or without talk, with or without relaxing music, etc.

It's the acupuncture you really need- if you need talk therapy, see a therapist. If you need a friend, get a friends. I'm a friendly guy and I like to make fun of myself for your amusement, and I like my patients, but I don't think people they're paying me to be their best friend... people are paying for the healing effects of the acupuncture.

The way we were taught to practice in school is very time-intensive... It's nice, but it's expensive- what if you just want the benefits of the acupuncture?

Low Cost, Effective Acupuncture

The practice model I'm creating is to get affordable acupuncture to more people. Why is this so important to me?

I think it's the right thing to do. It's where my heart is. I felt conflicted in the past, charging so much money. My belief is that as a healer and helper, I'm supposed to help people. I don't feel good excluding those with more limited means. Heck, I know what that's like- I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth!
Another part of it is that I don't want to be a talk therapist- it's not what I was trained to do. I was trained to diagnose people's health conditions from an Asian medicine perspective and treat them with herbs and acupuncture.
I got extra training in acupuncture and so I do quick, effective acupuncture. That saves patients money so I can help more people. To do that, I have to see more patients per hour. I can't do talk therapy if I want to be efficient and keep the price down.

What does this quick acupuncture treat? Can I treat anything and everything this way? No, some people have very complicated, chronic internal problems. They need more time from a diagnostician. They may need a customized herbal formula. I know how to do that, but it takes time and that costs money- there are herbalists and internal medicine practitioners who love to practice that way- like my practice partner Christian Dionese.

What can I treat that way?

Just about any type of pain- for example: muscle pain, nerve pain, chronic pain, and headaches.
I've also helped with insomnia, migraines, and various nervous system disorders...
I can do the smoking/drug/alcohol cessation treatment called NADA
And if you're not sure, ask me!

How can you get an appointment?

I'm not currently practicing, but I may in the very near future- if you're interested, call Kristin at 322-9200 with your email and phone number and we'll contact you when I'm available.

All the best!
Brian

Great acupuncture CEU seminar in L.A. Oct 2007

2007-09-27T12:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Acupuncturists/Acupuncture students,

We will have an upcoming seminar on Clinical Master Tung's Acupuncture in Los Angeles, the weekend of October 20-21, 2007 at the:

Southern California University School of Oriental Medicine and Acupuncture
1541 Wilshire Blvd., 3rd Floor Los Angeles, CA 90017

Clinical Master Tung's Acupuncture - Neuromusculoskeletal Disorders Day 1, students and practitioners will be taught the principles of Master Tung's Acupuncture, then followed by Master Tung's top 18 points, then move Into Neuromusculoskeletal disorders.

Clinical Master Tung's Acupuncture - Internal Medicine Problems Day 2, discuss the usage of Tung's points for Internal Medicine problems and making the transition from the conventional TCM system to Master Tung's system.

Fee: $325/2 days, students $250/2 days, $25 discount for early registration by October 1, 2007, No refunds

15 CA CEU's are pending, Classes are open to beginner and advanced alike.

Call 626 487-1815 to register

Robert Chu, an exciting and dynamic speaker, has been practicing the Martial and Chinese healing arts since childhood and specializes in Master Tung Acupuncture and Optimal Acupuncture methods for treating pain, neuromusculoskeletal disorders, and internal medicine problems. Dr. Chu is a graduate and Diplomate in Tung's Acupuncture under Dr. Young Wei-chieh of the World Association of Tung's Acupuncture.

He founded, in mid 2005, ITARA (International Tung's Acupuncture Research Association), a non-political organization devoted to the preservation, standardization, education, and research of Tung's Acupuncture, offering classes for the spread and advancement of Tung's Acupuncture.

In July of 2004, Dr. Chu was selected as the Acupuncturist to Olympic athletes at the Olympic Trials held in Sacramento, CA. He has lectured throughout the United States, Canada and Europe on Master Tung's Acupuncture.

--
Robert Chu, PhD, L.Ac. QME
chusauli@gmail.com

See my webpages at: www.chusaulei.com

Acupuncture & Complicated Patients

2007-08-11T13:00:00.000-07:00

My wife (also an acupuncturist/herbalist/etc) and I were reviewing a new patient case that was complicated. And basically undiagnosed. You don't hear about this publicly, but not everyone has illnesses that fit into our current list of diseases and conditions.

It's common that people don't come to us until they've gone through years of illness and not getting better at the hands of MD's. By then, they have many pages of lab tests and medical reports.

To take on a really complicated case like that means reviewing every symptom and possible diagnosis, then seeing if every needed test has been run.

It's funny, too, that patients wonder if you are a specialist at their extremely rare, possibly undiagnosed condition. To be an MD specialist requires not only the 4 years of basic training, internship, and 1-6 years residency in their specialty, but also years of medical practice as a specialist.

So to expect an acupuncturist/herbalist with 4-6 years of training and 1-20 years of practice to be an expert in any of 150-200 diseases and conditions is simply unrealistic.

Honestly, it may not be the patient's expectation, but we wish we could be that specialized for you. Still, it's not realistic given the numbers of patients who see us- we have to be generalists to have enough patients to run a practice.

And I don't mean you can't be a gynecological acupuncturist/herbalist- I mean you can't be a specialist in one type of ovarian cancer only- sub-sub-sub specialty.

The good news is that Asian medicine has its own diagnostic perspective that we can use in addition to MD diagnoses, and we can do that very simply, or in a complex way- so in complicated cases without an MD diagnosis, we can still give acupuncture or herbs that may help.

We don't know enough (we know some but not enough) about all the biomedical mechanisms of acupuncture and herbs to say whether they will address your undiagnosed condition, but there is a chance they will help.

Acupuncture CEU Seminar in NYC: Master Tung's Hand Acupuncture

2007-08-07T17:51:00.001-07:00

Dear colleagues,

Please let your fellow acupuncturists know about this upcoming event this
weekend!

IN NYC! Master Tung's Hand Acupuncture taught by Robert Chu, L.Ac., QME, PhD

Date: August 11-12, 2007, 9:00 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. – 15 CEU’s Approved

- Increase your clinical efficacy
- Speed your clinical diagnosis utilizing the classical acupuncture methods
and get instantaneous results
- Expand your range of treatment options
- Enhance your treatments in the clinic
- Improve your practice with Tung’s Acupuncture
- Learn it all clearly by a native English speaker who bridges East and West
- Discover proven clinical procedures for pain and internal medicine
problems
- Master a new protocol for using Master Tung Acupuncture for your patients
- Improve your acupuncture skills

Learn the essentials of the Master Tung Acupuncture system, with the proper
principles and concepts that made Master Tung Taiwan's greatest
Acupuncturist in the last generation. Students and practitioners will be
taught the most essential points on the fingers and hands to use in the
clinic for commonly seen problems. Point location and hands on practice will
be a part of this class. Please bring your own needles and alcohol preps!

This course will provide students and practitioners the point locations and
Indications of Master Tung's Hand Acupuncture for both Neuromusculoskeletal
disorders and Internal Medicine problems and making the transition from
diagnosing from TCM to Master Tung's system will be addressed. This Is ITARA
module 2 - Points on the Fingers/Hands – 15 Hours Classroom, 5 hours self
study

8:30 a.m. registration at:

Location:
Sheraton LaGuardia East
135-20 39th Ave.
Flushing, NY 11354
Tel: 718-460-6666
Fax: 718-460-0254
Seating is limited!

Fee: $325/2 days, students $250/2 days, $25 discount for early registration
by July 15, 2007, No refunds

Call 626 487-1815 to register

Robert Chu, an exciting and dynamic speaker, has been practicing the Martial
and Chinese healing arts since childhood and specializes in Master Tung
Acupuncture and Optimal Acupuncture methods for treating pain,
neuromusculoskeletal disorders, and internal medicine problems. Dr. Chu is a
graduate and Diplomate in Tung’s Acupuncture under Dr. Young Wei-chieh of
the World Association of Tung’s Acupuncture.

He founded, in mid 2005, ITARA (International Tung’s Acupuncture Research
Association), a non-political organization devoted to the preservation,
standardization, education, and research of Tung’s Acupuncture, offering
classes for the spread and advancement of Tung’s Acupuncture.

In July of 2004, Dr. Chu was selected as the Acupuncturist to Olympic
athletes at the Olympic Trials held in Sacramento, CA. He has lectured
throughout the United States, Canada and Europe on Master Tung’s
Acupuncture.

San Diego Acupuncture- August 2007 News

2007-08-01T21:36:00.001-07:00

Yeah, long time no see.

You may know that I've been on sabbatical, which really means I've been doing things besides acupuncture... I went from practicing to writing a book about it to focusing on web marketing to e-commerce and even into comedy. I'm a renaissance man without the Medici.

So it's been a long interesting journey, and I'm coming back to acupuncture. Because I know so much about it, and actually miss practicing it and- you know when you have a lot of interests and try them all out you eventually wonder, well which thing should I really do? Should you do the thing that is most unique? Or the thing that makes you the most money? Or the thing that helps the most people in the greatest way?

I can't say I have an answer to that, but does it make sense to you that I can help people with acupuncture, especially people with pain, and I'm not doing it? The guy who writes the most accessible book about oriental medicine for regular people doesn't practice it? What's up with that???

So I'm coming back to acupuncture. San Diego acupuncturist returns. Not just yet, but soon.

Oh yeah, and I'm working on something for my wife Lynda Harvey, who's also an acupuncturist (and runs the acupuncture program at Children's Hospital and teaches at Pacific College AND administrates our Chinese herbal company for acupuncturists AND is incredibly amazing... blah blah blah... just kidding!)

We're starting an acupuncture knowledge-base that you patients and ye acupuncturists will be able to subscribe to and add to. Just gotta get 20 years worth of knowledge in there... no biggie. And then there will be a free trial subscription for everyone to check out. Hopefully soon.

And that's it- that's the news.

Let me know how you're all doing by commenting on the blog post!

All the best!
Brian

Stand up Comedy Videos

2007-02-17T13:16:00.000-08:00

While creating some comedy, I found some cool groups where people post comedy videos:

The Imploding Acupuncturist

2007-02-10T14:44:00.001-08:00

First, thanks for the great responses to my previous post about the relaunch! It's nice to have a blog where you can get 10 comments on a post. That kind of interactivity confirms for me that I've made a connection with you guys in the past, that these topics are relevant for you, and that maybe I can help or give you some ideas in the future. Thanks! :-)

Please continue to go to the bottom of the latest blog post and post your comments. I'd love to see discussion amongst you guys too- I was thinking maybe I should put up a bulletin/discussion board for that. Let me know if you like that idea.

There were a lot of responses to what happened with me and my practice. I also got questions about my personal health plans, but I won't get into that this time- I want to keep my messages short!

Before I get into talking about the practice, I want to ask a favor- if you've read my book, Powerful Body Peaceful Mind, please write a quick review about it on Amazon.com. Someone who developed a resentment toward me wrote a really unfair, mean review there, and since there aren't many reviews, it gives new people the wrong idea. I don't know who wrote it- they never contacted me directly- but it's full of untrue accusations. Amazon won't respond to me about removing it. I'd appreciate your help in countering it with the truth- please write a quick review there so people who've never heard of me can get a more accurate picture. Thanks!

My thoughts about acupuncture practice:

1. Patients: the kind of people that are open to acupuncture and interested in it.

Spirituality: Many of these people are into new age spirituality and relativism- I'm a Christian and so it's a bit difficult to talk about that honestly without a debate happening.

Science: A bunch of them believe in all alternative medicine and don't like conventional western medicine and research- I started school that way but got heavily into biomedical mechanisms and research. I thought and talked about that probably more than some patients wanted.

I hesitated to speak much about Chinese medicine theories of qi, yin and yang because I always felt I should qualify the theories with biomedical explanations and

I also wondered whether patients were taking a spiritual or medical view of those theories.

Yes, I think too much. For more about acupuncture, science, and spirituality, see my ChristianAcupuncture.com website.

2. Care: the type of acupuncturist that seems to satisfy patients most (this is less relevant in non-competitive cities) is the semi-codependent nurse-type. I don't mean codependent in a bad way, just as opposed to the narcissistic tendencies of the stereotyped doctor. I am admittedly more narcissistic and focused on results in a scientific way.

Care vs. research: People want to feel better, and I wanted that but I also wanted to know which things I did helped them- if you really want someone to get a response in acupuncture, you can load them up with lots of needles, but you want clearly know what worked. In research, some people don't get better and it advances knowledge of what didn't work or where the diagnosis was wrong, but the individual patient wants to get better.

Medicine vs. coaching: I wanted to fix people's medical issues, not guide them through a psychological or spiritual process. But I also wanted to avoid any of the transference that comes from patients thinking their acupuncturist is a spiritual guru.

Repetitive talking: I wanted to be able to help more people without having to explain the same things over and over (one motive for writing my book).

Cost vs care availability: I wanted to see more people so I could charge them less and help more than just the financially privileged patient. Most acupuncture schools teach you to spend a hour with a patient- that means you either can't make a living or you overwork... and you spend a lot of that time either doing an inefficient intake, or not following a treatment plan that doesn't require re-evaluation every visit, or doing psychospiritual counseling that you don't get paid for separate from the value of your diagnosis and acupuncture.

3. Business: I just wasn't ready to run an acupuncture practice.

Systems: I didn't have systems in place (though I wouldn't have known what I wanted until I had done it in ways I didn't like),
Assistance: I didn't have a receptionist (you really need someone competent to schedule new patients, deal with patient calls, keep you on schedule in the office, etc.), and
Worries: I let all those worries in #1 and #2 above get in the way of my desire to help people and earn a living. I ended up not wanting to call new patients back and dreading going to see patients.
Confidence: Most importantly, I wasn't confident enough. I felt like patients wanted answers and assurances I couldn't give them. But I think that's common even to MD's who have to give bad news and tell patients the limits of medicine and diagnostics. It's difficult to convey how little we know, and that we aren't always successful in healing and don't always know why some get better and some don't.
Execution: Despite having been to my wife's practice management seminars multiple times for free, I didn't put what I knew about running the business into practice. In fact, I have found that it's much easier to learn what to do than to actually do it and do it consistently. I can't tell you how many how-to and self-help books that I didn't apply, and I know I'm not alone in that. That makes me think about my book, which I tried to make easy to apply, but I should probably create more audio help and a discussion forum for that too!

Clearly, if I did practice again in the future, I'd have to sort all that out and run the practice efficiently. Actually, just writing about it has helped some. And I think that's plenty about my practice for now!

Now, please let me know what you think about this post by going to the bottom of it and clicking on however many "comments" there are. Also, at the bottom of the blog post you'll see a number of little icon images: if you put your mouse on them, you see names like Digg and Del.icio.us. If you don't know what they are, this is a way to let people know that you like a blog post. The more people who do that, the more likely other people are to find it. I hope you take the time to click especially on digg and delicious, start an account with them, and "tag" my posts. It'll help a lot, thanks!

Also, if you haven't checked out the righthand column of this blog, there's the email signup, links to past blog writings, links to links to articles and research on other websites, and my recommended and personal website links. You'll notice I do a lot more than just Chinese medicine... music, outdoor stuff, and so on.

That's a wrap. All the best! Brian

P.S. Don't forget to write a quick review on Amazon.com and add your comment to the blog post. You can even email the post to someone by clicking on the envelope icon.

P.P.S. If you can't figure out all that blog commenting mumbo jumbo, just email me a hello or question if you want! :-) B

PulseMed Being Well Re-Launch

2007-02-01T22:37:00.000-08:00

I think it's time to return to writing about alternative medicine. In retrospect, I helped a lot of people that way (we had millions of website visitors and an email list of more than 3,000), and evidently, I was good at it, so it may be a calling of mine. I've been away...

In 2005, I took a major break from alternative medicine. After creating the Pulse of Oriental Medicine website (PulseMed) in 1999, writing nearly 500 original articles over 3 years, and self-publishing my general audience book (Powerful Body Peaceful Mind: How to Heal Yourself with Foods, Herbs and Acupressure), I went into acupuncture private practice.

The acupuncture practice, though, by the end of 2004, was not what I expected, and I was somewhat baffled by that- and I started doing very well with ecommerce and the advertising income from PulseMed- so I stopped practicing acupuncture and went "e", as in electronic/internet.

I acted as the editor for a massive article writing project and did freelance internet marketing, email marketing, and so on. Then I got a job with Adventure 16, an outdoor/backpacking gear retailer, helping to launch their first business-class web store. I've been doing that for 6 months while internally processing what else to do in my spare time.

I've been away in other ways as well. I haven't practiced what I preached in my book. I never really expected to, even when I wrote it- I think I said somewhere in there that the alternative medicine guru's must be B.S.'ing because none of us are perfect. What I loved in the Chinese medicine I came to understand was that it helped imperfect people live better lives- even helped explain some of our urges for the things that are bad for us.

So I feel a need to return to using the medicine more, not just writing about it. I'm more of a regular joe now in terms of the working world- in that I have a 9 to 5 job, and maybe that will help me help regular people more.

I look forward to writing, to you reading and asking questions- please feel free to add comments here and ask questions- interaction is part of a good blog!

All the best,
Brian

Hell's Kitchen Delta Blues

2006-11-26T12:37:00.000-08:00

I don't usually do music reviews, but here's one- I hope I buy the disc because I want to support indie music just as I'd like my music to be supported... but CD Baby lets you listen to A LOT of it for free online, so I feel I can review it, and I want to because I was so impressed.

If you like rock and you like slide guitar, the selection out there is a bit bleak. Few popular rock artists have championed the glass or steel. Remember the classic rock 'train train' song by Blackfoot? If you liked that or any George Thoroughgood, check this out.

Hell's Kitchen has that strange feel you get from primus but it's not that all out weird. Throw in the occasional banjo or slack key- but mainly electric blues guitar- with spare drums and trash can percussion, and you've got the main recipe for this kitchen. The vocals are sometimes raw Howlin Wolf, sometimes more typical cool whiteboy like the (Jon Spencer) Blues Explosion.

Highlights? "Nice" flat out rocks. In "Jack is a Writer" the vocalist turns a bit Clash-like. "Misery" is Rolling Stones -ish with a more folksy feel. "Lumfo" is a deliberately lurching haunt. "Easy Start" is good old time rockin blues. Weirdest tracks? The atonal "Milano" and "Brick of my Body"

Overall, what's impressive is not just the rocking rhythms and experimental sounds, but the tastefully spare arrangements- each instrument blends without overshadowing the others... a real achievement considering the variety of sounds and rhythms they manage to blend.

Summary? One man's trash(can percussion) is this man's treasure.

Finally, Merging electronica and guitar

2006-11-21T21:42:00.000-08:00

Finally I have my computer recording situation set up where I can record my guitar into the electronic loops I've been doing- nice to be able to merge them, because the electronica can be so artificial, and the guitar without rhythm is incomplete- so here's a little bit of guitar for you to check out (mp3, about 1 meg)... something that's part of a new piece I'm working on that will have all the rhythm and electronica with it later too.

Some Brian Carter Music- Electronic and Acoustic

2006-11-20T22:58:00.000-08:00

I forgot I had started a GarageBand.com account and put some songs on there.

Two are electronic:

Insanity - crazymovie soundtrack with funky bass and drums, electronica and orchestra

Trainlife - a chill electronica journey along a fictional railroad passing a variety of sounds and people (warning: there's a bit of moaning in there, so no one under 18 or with a heart condition should listen!)

One is an acoustic guitar song (Sunbeams and Leaves) I created entirely in one take (actually has some singing, words also made up on the spot). Nostalgic mood piece.

Despair Demotivators

2006-11-20T21:01:00.000-08:00

Have you seen these? First found these a few years back and forgot about them, but they sent us a Christmas catalog. They're take offs on the motivational posters... some of them are absolutely hilarious. Here are some of my favorites.

CONSULTING- it's funny to laugh at now that I'm not a consultant anymore. :-)

DEFEAT: For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are, you're one of them.

That's really true!

DYSFUNCTION: The only consistent feature of all your dissatisfying relationships is you.

GET TO WORK: You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.

Joshua Tree Climbing What What What

2006-11-17T20:03:00.000-08:00

As Lauren von Hikenblogger gracefully ascends Moosedog Tower, Gorillaz surround the belay party and Arthur adds his whiteboy rap stylings.

Rock Climbing, Climb Smart 2006

2006-10-30T19:01:00.000-08:00

It's funny I've never blogged on rock climbing- I've put some of my photos on rockclimbing.com, but never blogged about it.

I'm really a boulderer at heart, I've discovered- I'd prefer to do risky new moves 10 feet off the ground than an easy 5.8 climb 200 feet off the ground. But I'm just getting back into it after a while, so I'll get more adventurous soon, I 'spect.

A group of us (mountaineer friends) went to Climb Smart this last wknd, and it was quite an experience all the way around.

Somewhere in here we have to have Timmy O'Neill, because he's such a cool freak and made the wknd a lot more fun than it would have been without him.

He did a lot of the emcee'ing at the Saturday night event... I wish I had taken pictures, because he came out through the fogger, strobe lights and heavy-beat dance music in his Halloween costume, an irish green superman complete with cape and tighty-whitey undies carrying a bucket full of free ice cold beers that he handed out while doing the Mick Jagger head thing to the music. And his new hair style is longer, and half of it sticks out at a defiant 45 degree angle.

He intro'd a Reel Rock film he was in, "First Ascent"- it was awesome- thrilling, touching, cool, great film-making. And he did the raffle too, in a stimulating rapid-fire manner that entertained most, but irritated one guy (who got irritated at other things that wknd- takes all kinds).

Enough about Timmy already. Except he also taught us some cool stuff in the bouldering class- how to smear on the "quartz manzanite dude"- maybe he didn't say dude, but that's how it sounded- "This is quartz manzanite, dude! It grips yours shoes."

Anyhow, my friend Arthur and I met up with Lauren and Adam and (his girlfriend) Julie. They're new to climbing (you can see info about their first bouldering and rappelling at Lauren's blog) and so the clinics etc. were going to be great for them. It helped all of us- Arthur and I got advanced tips on technique and anchoring (trad climbing) and the others got some good beginning info. We capped it off by climbing up to the first rappel station on Moosedog Tower.

A few other standouts I should mention are:

Saturday night's dinner: The refried beans tasted like they'd been cooked in an ashtray and the rice water supersoft and tasteless, but the catered enchiladas were ok (though we had no way to cut them) and the guacamole made up for it, a little. I found out today there had been ice cream and brownies they forgot to bring out! Hey man!

The 1 billion names of Lauren: Arthur and I for some reason had a total blast giving Lauren funny new names. It started when I saw that his cell phone name for her was Lauren von Hiker. Her real last name is Hogerheiden, so it's a german thing I guess. Anyhow, some of the better ones were:

Lauren von Hikenberger (or 'von Hikenberger' or 'Hikenberger' for short)
Lauren vince vaughn Hikenberger
Laurence Olivier von Heikenbrenner
Lauren von vacob vinglehiker schmidt (actually I finished that one here- it was a tongue twister)
Lauren von Hikenstrudel (I just made that one up too. You get the gist.)

Ah, and the campfire guitar playing of me and Andy (some guy I'd never met)- great chemistry, two great guitarists and some truly inspired moments. As a humble guy, I'm saying it was good, real good. Everyone loved it and wouldn't let us stop playing!

And who could forget the beautiful moments we spent together digging sand and filling erosion holes? I'm not exaggerating when I say we all wept tears of joy and gratitude for this opportunity. Ok, I am exaggerating. We couldn't believe you had to give up an entire afternoon or morning to do a service project and how disorganized they were about it, but then we only paid $70 and 6 seminars are probably worth $400 alone, not to mention the camping, food, free prizes and entertainment.

The raffle and free prizes flying through the air Saturday night- I caught a Royal Robbins hat and a chalk bag.

Speaking of chalk bag... this guy Greg who camped next to us came to the costume party as a Chalk Bag- quite ingenious and low tech- a trash bag, chalk all over him, and the word 'chalk' spelled in green with tape on the back of his white t-shirt.

Arthur and I thought it was hilarious and deserved our full support, especially in light of some of the less appropriate, less imaginative, and frankly incomprehensible competition Chalk Bag was up against. So from the very beginning of the evening, we occasionally yelled out "CHALK BAG!" and more and more so as the costume competition approached.

It caught on... a guy in front of us started yelling it too. Our section of the room was the most passionate about any one competitor- that gave Chalk Bag a fighting chance to win the whole thing.

Chalk Bag's big nemesis turned out to be a guy dressed up as a swimmer- his costume? Goggles, a towel, and a speedo. "Check that out," said Timmy O'Neill, giving us plenty of time to do just that horrid thing.

Chalk Bag strove to protect his innocence by shielding his eyes with his hand, and moved a few competitors away from what Timmy called "Greg Lube-anus". Judging was done applause-o-meter style, and we wore out our throats and hands giving Chalk Bag the support he deserved. He won- it was the funniest thing, we were just giddy, having overthrown a serious election, exerting our will and our humor on the drunken mass of Climb Smart climbers.

Yes.

Long live Chalk Bag!

(Get fun t-shirts and mugs of chalk bag and more here)

Sad State of Acupuncture Research

2006-06-04T17:36:00.000-07:00

This is a perennial topic- I always go to the research- that and the classic books of acupuncture history are our main sources for reliable point selection, effective treatment.

The press often reports the results of new studies- e.g. fertility, migraines, etc. and then a rash of newbies flock to acupuncturists for treatment for that... it's all about belief, and people believe what the media says the studies say.

But there are a couple problems with that process-
1. the media only reports new research, and hasn't reported all of it, so the public gets a fragmented incomplete view of what science has proven about acupuncture
2. the research is often poorly designed from a research standpoint, or clinically effective acupuncturists were not consulted on which points should be tested in the studies.

For example, the now DECADE old 1996 NIH consensus statement on acupuncture is the most quoted authority on websites- the 2002 World Health Organization's review of randomized controlled trials on acupuncture not only is hardly mentioned, but has been removed from the WHO website!

And many studies for acupuncture and nausea use only P6 (the one on the wrist) and ignore ST44, another great nausea point. In fact, sometimes people given P6 throw up! It depends on the case...

And that's another problem with the research- research is designed to find general truths, but acupuncture is very flexible clinically. We know P6 and ST44 work for nausea, but choosing the right one for each patient is the key. No acupuncture research I know of has been geared to give acupuncturists the ability to choose the best points for each study participant.

It's official- brad pitt is my dog

2006-04-22T00:24:00.000-07:00

the whole strange story is here:
Brad Pitt is My Dog

Puppies playing with momma in mud and high grass backyard

2006-04-06T21:28:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I put newer photos and movies of the puppies up- and the puppy webcam has been down... still working on the technical difficulties.

So here is an MPG video of puppies playing in the mud in the backyard.

And a couple photos:

Chuck-a-nut and Alice (Cooper) sleeping

Skunk looking up

Two cute puppies being held

Puppy Play, Puppy Awards

2006-03-17T11:04:00.000-08:00

The puppies have their 4 weeks birthday (birthmonth? birthweek?) today, on St. Patrick's Day!

They're all playing, teething, chewing on each others' noses- and we take one of them out from time to time to watch basketball on TV. You know, important relevant stuff for puppies.

We also recently gave them awards-

Best Groggy Puppy look: Chuckster (aka Chuck-a-nut)
Best Pathetic Just-Sitting-There Look: Moo-Cow
Looks Cutest on their Back: One-Eye
Most Laid Back: Skunk
Best Playing Puppy: Squishy-Face
Most Adorable: Teddy-Bear
Should Be On TV: Porkster (aka Porky)
Most Talkative: Third-Eye (aka Yin Tang, aka Du20)

Dog wearing socks chases bacon

2006-03-03T23:18:00.000-08:00

Why don't dogs wear socks? Because they won't stay on... especially when they're chasin bacon.

Puppies nursing from momma dog

2006-03-03T23:15:00.000-08:00

Here's a video of puppies needin feedin and gettin it. It's about 5 minutes long, but I think you'll share my fascination with their cuteness. It's not exactly steadicam, so don't watch right after you eat ;-)

non puppy webcam- truck driver

2006-03-03T11:13:00.000-08:00

this guy's interesting- a trucker driver webcam

Puppy Live web cam (and Momma Dog)

2006-02-26T21:17:00.000-08:00

I moved the feed to our live puppy web cam... it didn't seem to work well through the blogger- so see it here where there are also related links - live dog/puppy webcam feed

Cool whelping box/pen alternative

2006-02-23T20:51:00.000-08:00

One good thing recently- the campout-sorta 'pup tent' doggie house we bought for Sera before we even knew about the pregnancy has turned out to be a great whelping box.

First off, it's made of material that's easily washable and waterproof. Second it provides more of a cave environment, but it has hole-y mesh sides that let air in and even let Sera see in if she's left the pups to sleep in a pile for a while.

Not only that- when I take Sera out for walks, if Lynda's not home, I can zip up the tent and not worry about the cats getting in there. I don't think they would, but they don't know what the puppies are, I don't know if they would freak one of the cats out, and the puppies' eyes aren't even open, so I don't want them together.

And there was even a day when Sera was so obsessed with the dogs next door in the backyard and any little sound out front that I zipped her in there with the puppies. When she's in there, the puppies can sleep or get milk as they want... but obviously if she's not, they can only sleep or squeal/whine.

I first made a whelping box out of cardboard etc., and I like this much better. We'll see how it turns out in the end... but no matter how many piddle pads and towels you use, the cardboard is still going to get soiled, then you need new cardboard. This tent-like material might be better because it's more washable and reusable. Plus it looks cool.

Momma Dog is Overprotective

2006-02-23T19:50:00.000-08:00

We only had Sera for about a month before we had reason to think she was pregnant. We adopted her from a private shelter who sets up adoptions at the front of the local PetSmart. They said she was 6 months old... not sure about that- her teeth, said our crazy friend Lianne, looked more like 3 years. The shelter peeps said she was found in Baja Mexico. So she's a Baja Surf Mutt.

Point of all this is that she has some history- probably hit by a car (broken leg healed without vet care, dislocated hip joint), and probably attacked by some dogs (doesn't like other dogs). That plus having 8 puppies to take care of produces an overprotective mommy dog.

It wasn't really planned - everything was crazy for the first 3-4 days after the puppies were born - but our cleaning lady showed up on day 3 and Sera was definitely not comfortable with that. After a while, it was ok if Patricia was near the back of the house cleaning without making much noise, but if she came in the kitchen where the pups are, it was mad barking.

That was the day from hell.

And since then, it really is hard to tell when Sera is going off to take the time she needs, having giving the puppies enough, or if she's neglecting them. It's my first time, so I don't know. One website said puppies at this stage sleep 90% of the time and feed 10%- but it seemed like the other way around the first few days.

She does get obsessed with the dogs next door- they're beyond a fence, but she doesn't seem to realize that's a protection for her and the puppies. She also freaks out when anyone comes to the door... so I'm not sure yet when to bring in other people like my friend Don who will be adopting one- probably at least day 10... if not 14. It's 12 hours now til they're a week old.

Dog Cars?

2006-02-20T19:08:00.000-08:00

An idea someone came up with- you can vote for or against it on another website

Cars for Dogs

These are cars that dogs can drive. There is a sensor that notices which way their head is pointed for steering. Also, there is a sensor for whether they are looking straight ahead or at the ground, for acceleration. This assumes that they are always driving toward something on the ground that they want to smell.

Whelping Puppies- Personality?

2006-02-19T12:51:00.000-08:00

A friend said he'd heard runts were the best- best in what way? They're usually not the strongest, but they might be calmer... or they might be more needy- hard to say-

puppy personality after only 3 days?

too early to tell- we just have physical characteristics, etc.

The "jerks" who jerk their heads back repeatedly when they nurse
The "cow", a little spotted one Lynda and I like
The black screamer, with a bit of white on his head
Big white porky, almost always eating, pink nose like cow and the other white one
the brown ones... one of which likes to sleep by sera's neck.
Two are definitely smaller, sleep more, eat less than others- one of these is brown/black and one I think is the cow.
One of the brown ones has really cool markings on his forehead that make it look like he's scrunched up thinking
at least one of them squeaks crazily while nursing- sometimes they sound like a balloon that someone's slowly letting the air out of by pinching the neck of the balloon

When they're sleeping, they sleep in piles as you saw above... usually with their face against another one- sometimes slumping over one another-

a couple of times remarkably cute things:

two brown ones face to face sleeping mirror images,

one brown one nose to nose with sera- got the latter on photo to the left

Dog Giving Birth IV: Eat, Sleep, Cry

2006-02-17T20:10:00.000-08:00

Eat sleep and cry- that's all these 8 puppies can do- and their eyes aren't open. When they cry it sounds like a human baby, kinda weird. You can hear it in the birthing and whelping videos.

Here's a video of 5 puppies feeding in the midst of the birthing process- you can see Sera doing the licking and also panting between contractions.

I'll have to put up another post on how we made the whelping box and total birthing environment...

Some websites and people talk about how not all puppies "make it". Much like the military, I have a 'no puppy left behind' attitude. This means I've been working a lot today with the pups. I'm keeping my eye out for the ones that don't get enough nipple time, and/or don't seem to care. If you move them to the good nipples, mom licks them, they cry, and get more active and there's a better chance they'll grab the nipple and feed.

For some reason, though Sera has 9 nipples, some of them are not producing milk. Others are underneath her and she only seems to want to lay on her left side. That's leaving her with about 5 accessible good nipples... and some of these pups aren't as nipple-savvy as the others- you can put their face right up to it and they don't grab it- others do.

And of course, sometimes 5 of them are napping, so there are open nipples, and other times all 8 of them want to feed and there's not enough nipples to go around, like musical chairs, and there's a lot of crying.

Mom licks their butts a lot and I'm told that stimulates their digestive tracts. It makes them cry. I had to get the idea that crying is often good- I had to get that idea real quick when the puppies were being born- crying means they can breathe. But now sometimes, it means they're confused or hungry.

Dog Giving Birth Part III: Photos, videos, complications

2006-02-17T19:56:00.000-08:00

I had read various things about the umbilical cord- what I wish I had read, what I learned the hard way, and what went for most things about this puppy birth, is don't intervene unless something goes wrong.

The mommy dog not only will in many cases tear through the sac so the puppy can begin to breathe, lick it to stimulate its breathing, eat the afterbirth, lick up her discharge and any blood, but also will chew through the umbilical cord and then lick it until it stops bleeding.

The only times we intervened were when she couldn't get the sac off the newborn within about 30 seconds, and if she seemed too concerned with licking up blood and discharge to get the umbilical cord or stimulate the baby's breathing.

Sometimes the cord was too short as well, it seemed, for her to get at it- we had to cut it then with some little sewing scissors. I had read some things about using thread or dental floss on other sites, but in practice that proved ludicrous... too much blood, mom and puppy too freaked out, not to mention the pressure on us, and trying to get the dang floss tied? Forget about it.

And Lynda supported Sera to reach back there- sort of pushing her hips and shoulders toward one another so she was in the U shape she needed to get at the puppy, etc.

All our pictures and videos of the dog giving birth are here, but the main dog giving birth video, if you want to see the sac rupture, the puppy emerge, etc., is here.

Dog giving birth part II: through the night and into the morning

2006-02-17T16:48:00.000-08:00

Then last night she got antsy and started panting- later I saw that the pattern was: panting, contractions, delivery.

But she wasn't ready to deliver- Lynda had a long work day today and also has to teach this wknd so I slept on the air mattress next to Sera in the kitchen. But she insisted on sleeping at my feet on top of the covers- covers we didn't care too much about, fortunately...

...because I woke up at 10am with her sitting in her broken water, panting, and out was coming the shiny purple sac inside of which clawed a little pup.

Our dog was giving birth!

I had read that puppies could come as far apart as an hour or two, but maybe they just talk about that because it's the edge where you should think about the veterinarian...

Sera's pups came out quickly- after the first one, I called my wife and she began to rush home (she was going about 100mph at one point, she was so excited) -

I thought I had at least a half hour so I went to put my contacts in and by the time I returned from that, the second puppy was out!

Dog Giving Birth Part I: She's Pregnant?

2006-02-17T16:07:00.000-08:00

We thought we adopted a 6 month old puppy. That's what the shelter people said. We named her Sera, short for seratonin, since we're such neuromedicine freaks.

But then Sera's belly got bigger and bigger. Someone looked at her teeth and said, no she's probably 3 years old.

My wife and I had the talk. I thought killing them off was tantamount to human abortion, and I think that's murder, so I was for supporting Sera through it and perhaps keeping one or two. Lynda knew I would bear a lot of the burden of house training etc since I work from home, so she was concerned.

I reassured her that I thought it would be ok, the chaos even might be fun. We don't have kids- we have to adopt anyway- and San Diego is expensive so we've been working on our careers and earning potentials anyway.

Sera got bigger and bigger... then she got big nipples and the milk supply was obviously there... we were ready and then it seemed she would never have the puppies.

Acupuncture declines in China

2006-02-16T09:46:00.000-08:00

Thousands of foreign students are swarming into Chinese universities of traditional Chinese medicine each year to learn acupuncture. More than 100,000 acupuncturists are providing alternative treatment worldwide nowadays.

However, contrary to the flourishing development abroad, acupuncture has been declining in its motherland during the past two decades.

As acupuncture cannot generate as much economic gains as TCM drugs do, it is commonly neglected both in hospitals and research departments.

For most Chinese patients, acupuncture is also not their first option. Acupuncture doctors earn much less than other doctors, because each treatment would only allow them to charge a few yuan, similar to the cost of redressing a wound. A lot of them try their luck abroad to practise acupuncture.

As a result, Chinese acupuncture is facing a serious brain drain.
On the other hand, in order to obtain international recognition, most acupuncture research has focused on the theory study, but has been divorced from clinical practice. The efficacy of acupuncture is declining.

Acupuncture experts worry that China may lose its advantage in acupuncture practice one day if the present dilemma cannot be changed.
Source: China Daily

Comment-

I noticed during acupuncture school that there were a lot of white people studying asian medicine, and a lot of asians at UCSD studying Western medicine.

It is too bad that acupuncture in its homeland is declining. But it is not declining here. In fact, not only are more and more acupuncturists getting licensed and practicing and treating patients in the US and UK (at least, not to mention NZ, perhaps Europe- I don't know)- but there is also a lot of private grant money available to acupuncturists who can get a quality grant proposal together.

Many acupuncturists have more of the altruistic spirit MD students used to have, and few of either group are business savvy- thus, grant writers, former administrators, and altruistic acupuncturists make another great combo for the future of acupuncture.

The crux of the problem is the perception of acupuncture's value. Even what good studies exist (more than most press and conventional docs know of or acknowledge) demonstrate more than anything the inertia of bias against acupuncture acceptance- that is, many people are slow to believe in it, even in the presence of proof. They look for any reason to dsipute the evidence. They exemplify the idea "don't confuse me with the facts, my mind is already made up".

But those who have been helped by acupuncture believe. They know it works, and then when they hear the scientific info, they know why. It works in reverse. Though we're taught to trust scienctific evidence above opinion, experience, and emotion, our real lives much more often are governed by our emotions and experience and then rationalized with pieces of logic and evidence.

Beer Pie, Beer by the Slice

2006-02-09T15:28:00.000-08:00

You really can get it that way. At least that's what this awning would have you believe...

Ok, maybe you guessed - this is a pizza place that didn't think too clearly ahead about the view from this side... It's in San Francisco on Bush St- don't remember what its name is and can't figure it out from google maps... alas.

Magnetic Therapy? Typical Bias From Conservative Medicine

2006-01-27T14:34:00.000-08:00

Want to direct your attention to a press release that quotes me on the topic of magnetic therapy and healing.

I really haven't done a lot with magnets- I'm an acupuncturist, but that doesn't mean I'm into all weird alternative stuff. I do understand now that acupuncture works via the nerves, which conduct electricity, and physics and chemistry classes taught me that all electricity creates magnetic fields... conversely, magnets can affect electrical conductivity, can they not?

I haven't had the time to look at all the specific biomechanisms of magnetic healing, but it seems plausible from a neurological standpoint.

Sirius Filth Not Limited to Howard Stern?

2006-01-10T13:31:00.000-08:00

I just got Sirius satellite radio a few days ago for my car. Then I discovered I could listen to some of the stations online while working from home, which is what I do... I was enjoying it until I heard something shocking- so I immediately went to Sirius.com and wrote them the following note:

I was offended by the altnation dj's comments about "taking it to the next level with your sweetheart and getting some anal action" today at 1:24 PST, just before the U2 song. I realize sirius is unedited, etc. but if I wanted to hear that kind of thing, I'd listen to Howard Stern.

Is it possible I could listen to alternative music without having to hear that kind of filth? Consider that not all your subscribers are into that kind of thing. In fact, since the radio displays the artist and song title, why do you need DJ's at all? Especially if they're unpredictable. Thanks, B

Laughter is Good Medicine

2005-12-16T13:20:00.000-08:00

Here's an article that reminds us of that fact... I watch or listen to some comedy every day- I have my digital video recorder save all the Conan O'Brien shows and then watch them during dinner, or in the evening before bed. What do you do for laughs?

By LINDSAY TAUB

Perhaps one remedy to combat pain and stress was written in an ancient proverb - ‘‘A merry heart doeth good like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones.’’

Nearly 3,000 years later, doctors and health professionals are discovering - and touting - the benefits of laughter.

Studies have shown:

— Laughter is preventative medicine. It can improve blood flow, which over time may protect against heart disease.

—Levels of stress hormones went down when laughter increased, leading to a boost in the immune system.

—Laughing also reduces depression and improves self-confidence.

Physiologically, when a person laughs, every organ is stimulated. As with any aerobic activity, it increases heart rate and circulation, exercises the lungs, facial muscles and diaphragm, said Dr. Michael Miller, who was the principal researcher on a recent study at the University of Maryland Medical Center. These findings recommend a 15-minute gut buster a day.

Researchers showed 20 adults two movie scenes - one from the comedy ‘‘Kingpin,’’ the other a battle scene from ‘‘Saving Private Ryan’’ - while monitoring artery function. After viewing the funny clip, subjects’ blood

vessels dilated by 22 percent; they constricted by 35 percent after the war sequence. Dilation allows blood to move through the vessels with ease, taking strain off the heart and arteries.

‘‘That magnitude of change is similar to what you’d get from aerobic exercise,’’ Miller said. Laughter may trigger the release of nitric oxide, a chemical that relaxes blood cells, he said. It may also release endorphins, hormones shown to be natural painkillers.

Props to ‘Patch’

Before there were laughter studies, however, Dr. Hunter Adams, in the early 1960s, treated each patient with a joke and a smile. He was the subject of the 1998 movie, ‘‘Patch Adams,’’ starring actor/comedian Robin Williams as the beadpan-on-the-head wearing doctor who also donned giant shoes and a clown nose in order to draw giggles from his patients.

Since then, the ‘‘laughter is the best medicine’’ concept became more tangible - in part due to the research of Drs. Lee S. Bark, Stanley Tan and William Fry. They showed through controlled scientific studies in the 1970s that laughter affects blood pressure and heart rate.

Fast-forward 30 years and there are 3,500 ‘‘laughter clubs’’ in existence, including one at the U.S. Pentagon and more than 2,500 certified ‘‘laughter leaders’’ from the World Laughter Tour, an organization that promotes wellness through laughter.

A laughter club is a group that usually meets weekly to practice a combination of routines that trigger laughter and yoga breathing - called yoga laughter.

Dr. Madan Kataria, an Indian physician, founded the movement in 1995, and it has grown worldwide. So inspired was psychologist Steve Wilson by Kataria that he brought the techniques back to the United States and founded the World Laughter Tour.

While Wilson echoes Kataria in saying ‘‘adults are not laughing nearly enough,’’ he said there is no scientific basis to support the statistic that children laugh 300 to 400 times a day, compared to 15 times a day for adults.

‘‘The numbers are symbolic and a way of showing that adults need to laugh more,’’ he said.

Wilson uses therapeutic laughter in his counseling practice. He was also the chairman of the Dept. of Mental Health and Retardation at Columbus State Community College in Ohio, where he has also taught since 1973.

The techniques Kataria taught Wilson in India were heavily yoga-based and might not have been acceptable in mainstream America, Wilson said.

‘‘It’s very easy in India for people to accept that something is a yoga practice,’’ Wilson said. ‘‘But here yoga is popular, but not part of our culture. It’s chic to go to yoga but the idea of it as spiritual and healing is still somewhat off-putting to some people.’’

To make the practice more accessible for the western world, Wilson said he refined the techniques, softened the spiritual talk and strengthened the physical focus. He also developed a training program for health professionals and therapists to become ‘‘certified laughter leaders.’’

‘‘The whole idea is where humor is psychological, laughter is physiological,’’ Wilson said. ‘‘We do playful exercises that recruit people into their own body mechanism, creating the possibility for endorphins to be released and consequently, a decrease in depression and anxiety.’’

Locally, Nancy Davis, a certified laughter leader, worked with a group at the West Acres Nursing Home in Brockton. She had a handful of residents flapping their arms, doing the chicken dance all in the name of relieving stress and having fun. Other techniques include walking like a penguin and walking over hot sand.

‘‘A lot of clubs will start up again after the first of the year,’’ Wilson said. ‘‘October, November and December, with all the holidays, are the emotional loaded months of the year, so people are going to need to laugh.’’

For more information and to find a certified laughter leader or laughter club in your area, visit worldlaughtertour.org.

DonJoy Knee Braces and Back Braces

2005-12-06T21:44:00.000-08:00

Superior Joint Protection for Winter Sports

Whether you've had an injury or just want to prevent one, go to DonJoyStore.com for all your joint bracing needs, including knee braces and back braces and supports.

DonJoy (DJ Ortho) is the leading orthopedic brace manufacturer in the United States, and DonJoy Store is their official retailer for consumers.

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I Love that This Guy Got Elected

2005-11-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

Look at this photo!

Anyone who supports klingons is all right with me.

Bird Flu Schmird Flu

2005-11-05T15:31:00.000-08:00

You understand, don't you, that the media has to talk about something every day? And they seize upon the stories most like to rouse your emotions. They need your attention. If they can scare you, they've got your attention, and then the advertisers are happy, and the media gets paid.

What's the likelihood that the avian flu will morph into a human pandemic?

According to The Potential Economic Impact of an Avian Flu Pandemic on Asia, the threat is quite real, since all three of the great flu pandemics of the 20th Century orginated in mutated bird viruses.

Ok, so we know it's a possibility.

But the CDC says, "sporadic human infections and outbreaks (of avian flus), however, rarely result in sustained transmission among humans."

Since 1997, nine avian influenza viruses have infected humans. The total number of deaths from these nine viruses? Seven.

So, typically, even if humans do get an avian flu, it doesn't spread like the flu we're used to.

This isn't the only reason I'm not worried about the avian flu. If you understand how the immune system deals with new antigens (viruses), you know that the body learns how to fight and overcome it while you're experiencing the flu symptoms. If you're healthy when you get the new virus, your immune system is quite capable of doing this successfully.

Who's at risk?

Of course, if you're elderly, immunocompromised (e.g. have AIDS or some other reason for a weak immune system), or take immunosuppressant drugs (people who've had organ transplants), you need to be more careful about not contracting new antigens and more diligent with self-care when you do.

Smart Advice for When You Do Get Sick

Regardless of your state pre-infection, once you get sick, you should rest, drink lots of fluids, eat well (I like chicken noodle soup), and let your body do its job. Don't overwork, exercise, or ignore your physical needs. Avoid stress. Watch movies. Take hot baths. Sleep.

You can also take Chinese herbal forumulas that boost the immune system and have a general effect against viruses and bacteria. These formulas contain complex, sophisticated herbs that use multiple biochemical agents to do their job. Like newer drug "cocktails", they can be more effective against resistant or new viruses than single-chemical drugs.

Read more about Chinese medicine and Viruses

Pinpointing pain

2005-10-24T16:38:00.000-07:00

Western medicine is learning how acupuncture works. The answer may lie with the body's natural painkillers and responses deep in the brain.

By Elena Conis
Special to The Times

October 24, 2005

WHEN Melanie Burke's infertility treatments went awry a few years back, she came down with constant throbbing muscle aches, searing back pain, insomnia and migraines so severe they affected her vision.

Burke's doctors wrote off the symptoms as a reaction to the hormones she was taking to help her get pregnant. But the pain persisted long after Burke stopped those treatments. "I saw an orthopedic doctor, a neurologist, two endocrinologists and a physical therapist," says the 47-year-old Santa Monica psychotherapist. "Nothing helped — I was beginning to think I had something very serious."

Finally, after six straight months of pain-racked days and sleepless nights, Burke turned to acupuncture — and found relief within two treatments. Her pain subsided so quickly that "within five minutes, I was so relaxed I was on the verge of sleep," she says.

From the traditional Chinese medicine point of view, Burke's qi, or energy flow, had been out of balance. Needles inserted at specific points in her body redirected the flow of her qi and restored her to good health.

From the modern medicine point of view, Burke may have had an endocrine imbalance caused by fertility treatment. The needles helped her through a combination of hormone production, cell changes, neurons firing — and possibly a bit of mind over matter.

Hundreds of thousands of Americans attain pain relief through acupuncture each year, according to a recent national survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention — and many, these days, seek the treatment at their doctor's suggestion. Mainstream medical interest in acupuncture has grown as the studies pile up: A National Institutes of Health statement, published in 1997, concluded that the procedure appeared most promising in treating nausea, then pain.

Yet despite this growing Western faith in an ancient Chinese practice, scientists and doctors understand remarkably little, in modern medical terms, about how the procedure works to provide lasting pain relief.

In recent years scientists have begun studying the body's biological responses to the treatment in hopes of shedding light on how a handful of needles and some heat lamps can perform as well as, or better than, Western medicine's strongest pain-killing drugs. They have come up with an array of theories to explain the technique's effectiveness, some of them widely accepted, others too new to assess.

"We're still in the early stages of understanding how it works," said Dr. Ka-Kit Hui, founder and director of the Center for East-West Medicine at UCLA. Already, he adds, studies on the topic are raising interesting questions about the body's physical and emotional responses to pain — and might someday force Western medicine to reassess its understanding of the nauseous sensation.

A philosophical approach

IN traditional Chinese medicine terms, good health depends upon two things: an unobstructed flow through the body of energy, or qi, along 12 major channels, or meridians, and a balance between the two life forces — cool, passive yin and warm, active yang. Illness or pain occurs when the flow of qi is blocked, or when one life force dominates the other.

Acupuncture is thought to act on meridians. In the form of the treatment most widely practiced in the U.S., hair-thin needles are inserted into the skin at specific points along the meridians to redirect or unblock stagnant qi. (Other types of acupuncture apply pressure, smoldering herbs or electrical currents at the points.) These so-called acupoints correspond (in traditional theory, at least) to different organs or systems in the body.

For example, inserting a needle at a point inside the forearm known as P6 is intended to treat nausea; needling Liv3, on top of the foot, is meant to help with motor function.

Studies suggest that inserting needles into acupoints does affect the body, and in potentially meaningful ways. In a study of 37 subjects published this year in the journal Neuroscience Letters, inserting a needle into acupoint L14 on the hand — traditionally used to treat pain — was shown to deactivate parts of the brain that are involved in processing pain.

Indeed, a decade of acupuncture imaging research has shown that "people who get better with acupuncture have clear changes in their brain function," says Dr. John Farrar, a pain researcher at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. Changes are seen in the thalamus, a brain region that processes information from the senses, including touch and also pain.

But acupuncture also affects activity in the brain region called the cingulate gyrus as well as other brain structures that make up the limbic system, which processes the range of human emotions and memory.

The fact that acupuncture deactivates the brain's limbic system suggests it "diminishes the emotional part of the pain experience," such as anxiety or that woe-is-me feeling, says Terry Oleson, a board member of the Society for Acupuncture Research and a director at Emperor's College of Traditional Oriental Medicine in Santa Monica, which trains acupuncturists and offers degrees in Oriental medicine.

Hormone release could be key to such brain changes. Thirty years ago, about the same time acupuncture started to pique the interest of Americans, Chinese medical researchers began studying it in animals. They showed — and subsequent Western researchers confirmed — that acupuncture increased the body's production of its own natural painkillers, known as endogenous opioids, or endorphins. People experienced no pain relief from acupuncture if they were first injected with a drug that blocked the opioids' activity.

Today most Western researchers agree that acupuncture's stimulation of endorphins plays a big part in explaining how the practice works, says Dr. John Longhurst, director of the Susan Samueli Center for Integrative Medicine at UC Irvine.

But some medical acupuncture researchers maintain that this can't be the whole picture.

Most crucially, they say, endorphins alone cannot explain why individual acupuncture points or meridians would correspond to particular functions or parts of the body — if, indeed, they do.

The meridian theory

FOR thousands of years, acupuncture has been based on the premise that specific points along the meridians correspond to specific organs, such as the liver, and functions, such as motor control. From the 1970s through the '90s, the relationship between acupoints and their related organs was a key focus of acupuncture research. Some early studies supported the idea that the links were real.

For instance, in his work as a graduate student and postdoc at UCLA and UC Irvine in the 1970s, Oleson reported a link between tenderness or sensitivity in ear acupuncture points governing a certain organ or body part, and the corresponding health of that part of the body. For example, if a patient had foot pain (say, from plantar warts or some other condition), a foot-specific acupoint on his ear was likely to be tender and inflamed too.

The same type of finding has been reported for non-ear acupoints. Chinese researchers, for example, found an association between pain or sensitivity at acupoint Li8 during acupuncture and severity of disease in the liver, which Li8 governs.

But such studies are hard to perform objectively, and scientists aren't sure what to make of them. Recently, focus has shifted to the unique physical properties of acupoints and meridians without attempts to link them to specific organs or functions.

The meridians depicted in Chinese medical charts have no obvious anatomical basis — though diagrams of them do bring the nervous system to mind, says Farrar.

Meridians and acupoints might also correspond to areas of the body with physiologically distinct properties. In a study published in the scientific journal Anatomical Record in 2002, Dr. Helene Langevin, an associate professor of neurology at the University of Vermont College of Medicine, showed that about 80% of the acupoints on the arm correspond to areas of connective tissue between muscles.

This might be why practitioners and patients alike often notice a distinct feeling when an acupuncture needle is inserted into the skin, says Langevin. Patients sometimes describe the feeling, called de qi in Chinese, as pressure, a nick, something akin to a mosquito bite. To the practitioner, the grip on the needle feels like catching a fish on a line, or a "tightening" of the skin around the needle.

Langevin is now examining what implications this might have for how acupuncture sends messages to the brain. She has published data showing that when needles are inserted into acupoints, the underlying connective tissue winds around the needle "like spaghetti around a fork," she says. This doesn't happen when a needle goes into a non-acupoint area.

Langevin has also shown that the winding action causes the cells in the area to change shape, a process that she theorizes might signal the central nervous system. She is testing the theory in a series of animal experiments.

Other, older studies conducted and published in Asia and Europe during the 1970s and '80s produced evidence suggesting that acupoints might be areas of very low electrical resistance, might be slightly more sensitive to touch or might lie near major nerve pathways. But scientists don't know the significance of these characteristics.

In more recent years, brain imaging has been used to clarify the relationship between acupoints and the functions they represent. The practice was pioneered by Zang-Hee Cho, an imaging expert and UC Irvine professor of radiological sciences who, just over a decade ago, took a spill while on a hike in South Korea. Plagued by the pain that later radiated from his back, he eventually gave in to his wife's suggestion to see a local acupuncturist — who made his pain disappear in 15 minutes, he says.

Cho showed in a series of imaging experiments, published in 1998 in the Proceedings of the National Academies of Sciences, that needling several acupoints for eye problems — located near the little toe — in a group of 12 volunteers increased activity in the visual cortex, the part of the brain governing vision.

Yet when Cho and his colleagues stimulated random points, located a few centimeters away from each acupoint, no activity occurred in the visual cortex.

Dr. Randy Gollub, assistant director of psychiatric neuroimaging at Massachusetts General Hospital, is also investigating the differences in brain activity generated by needling at real and fake (or "sham") acupoints. In an ongoing study — Gollub hopes to publish the results next year — healthy volunteers are subjected to pain (a hot probe applied to the skin) and then given either real or sham acupuncture. So far, both treatments appear to activate or deactivate various regions of the brain involved in controlling the body's reaction to pain: "They're a lot more alike than they are different," Gollub says.

But, she adds, it looks as if the brain's response is stronger for true acupoints than for sham ones. "Think of it as a mountain range, with the acupuncture points as peaks," Gollub says. "As long as you're not in the valley, the acupuncture is probably going to have some effect."

Competing observations

NOT all scientists are believers in the so-called "point specificity" of acupuncture. They note that many studies have shown that simply inserting needles in the skin can relieve pain — regardless of whether the needles are placed at random or in the places defined by traditional Chinese medicine.

For example, in studies comparing real, sham and no acupuncture for osteoarthritis of the knee, real and sham acupuncture both offered more relief than no acupuncture at all — suggesting that acupuncture might be effective regardless of needle placement.

This raises an important question for acupuncture researchers: Does something highly location-specific occur at the point of needle insertion, or does simply inserting a needle, no matter where, trigger a set of pathways that enable patients to "turn on" their brain's own healing capacity?

Cho, for one, has found in recent studies that inserting needles in real or sham sites produces similar changes in parts of the brain perceiving pain.

In simplified terms, he thinks that inserting a needle at almost any point on the body triggers a series of biochemical messages between the brain's hypothalamus and the hormone-producing pituitary and adrenal glands. The signals tell the body to alter its production of, for example, certain stress hormones and immune molecules that help the body cope with stressors — such as bacteria, viruses, emotional trauma or pain.

In fact, Cho believes that acupuncture might someday be refined to the point where the use of a dozen or more needles could be traded in for a single well-placed needle. "One good stimulation may be enough" for lasting pain relief, he says.

As acupuncture research evolves, scientists acknowledge that there might be other effects of the therapy that have little to do with slipping needles into skin. For instance, skeptics have long held that acupuncture helps heal through the power of the mind: that patients feel better because they think they are receiving an effective treatment. The placebo effect, as it's called, can be powerful.

And the truth, some experts say, is that Burke and other acupuncture patients rarely find relief from needles alone.

According to Burke's acupuncturist, UCLA's Hui, Burke's busy, hectic life had a bit too much yang and not enough yin. The intensity of her work life, the personal stress of trying to conceive and her hard-core exercise regimen left little room for calm and relaxation.

So, along with the acupuncture treatments, Hui prescribed a more modest work schedule, a less rigorous workout routine and smaller, more frequent meals.

"I walked out of his office feeling like I was in control of my healing," says Burke.

Such an experience might help subjects "turn on" their brain's own healing pathways.

"If you have a cold or the flu and do something you like, like going to a movie or watching TV, you will experience less of the symptoms than if you just sort of lay around in bed and feel sorry for yourself," Farrar says. "It's a very real effect — you're turning on something in your brain to help you suppress or turn off the symptoms."

In other words, when pain patients turn to acupuncture, other simple changes may produce measurable alterations in brain function with real implications for pain relief.

The herbs, dietary shifts and exercise regimens often prescribed by traditional acupuncturists might have as much to do with the treatment's effectiveness as the needles themselves — physically as well as psychologically.

But for patients convinced of acupuncture's effectiveness, it might be of little importance whether the procedure takes one needle or 20, and whether it's the needles themselves or other aspects of the treatment that provide relief.

What matters is that the treatment helps.

Burke, for one, says her success with acupuncture has brought her back to Hui's office again and again.

"I go for a treatment as soon as I feel the pain coming back," she says, "because I know it works."

9 Ways to Nurture Your Emotional Well Being

2005-09-15T17:09:00.000-07:00

9 Ways to Nurture Your Emotional Health (Book Excerpt)
By Brian Benjamin Carter, MSci, LAc

At my literary agent's behest, I've been working on radio and magazine press to pre-publicize my book, Powerful Body, Peaceful Mind: How to Heal Yourself with Foods, Herbs, and Acupressure. In the process, I've been distilling how-to lists. I've gotten so excited about them, that it's been very tempting to include them in the Pulse. But, I can't give it all away, or there'll be no reason to buy the book, and neither my publisher nor my agent will be very happy with me!

Translation and Distillation
As I've discussed elsewhere, Chinese medicine is still in the midst of a long and complicated process of translation. Since Chinese language is made of symbols, you could say the Chinese think differently than those of us brought up in the romantic languages. It's not easy, for example, to translate qi into just one word. Well, I'll leave the translation to the scholars, and monitor that discussionfor you. My thing is explaining it to the public… and that's how we come to distillation.

Because Chinese and Chinese medicine are both very complex, and because most of us are so busy and overwhelmed, I think we need to break it down into bite-sized, practical pieces. Though I think they are rather cliché and simplistic, the popular magazine style, "5 Tips to Make Your Life Perfect in 5 Minutes Without Lifting a Finger!" piques the curiosity, and gets in our heads. If we can pick up one useful thing, we've learned and can live better. On the other hand, it does no good to overwhelm people with something they can't digest or use.

Nine Ways to Nurture Your Emotional Well Being

This list is based on Chinese medicine advice for the emotions through the centuries. The how-to's and benefits are mostly my ideas. The daily blueprint comes from the book, The Power of Focus. You can find other self-examination and spiritual tools in a wide range of books.

1. Be Grateful: Recognize what you've achieved, and enjoy it. Once you've reached a goal, celebrate. Otherwise you get stuck in the 'never enough' trap.

How: Make a weekly list of the things in your life for which you are grateful. Review both new and perpetual reasons for gratitude.

Benefit: You can't be grateful and hateful at the same time, so the more grateful you are, the happier you'll be.

2. Choose Achievable Goals: Avoid overly ambitious goals, because foiled plans lead to frustration, with-drawal, and depression.

How: Review your plans and dreams, and then break them down into subtasks you can definitely finish (this is called a critical path). Set realistic dates for each task. If you run into an impasse, then reassess your path, or your goal.

Benefit: You'll achieve more, and feel more capable and successful.

3. Live Moderately: Work and live moderately. Balance means not overworking and not being lazy.

How: Make a blueprint for each day that allocates specific times for action, learning, exercise, review, relaxation, and family. See the book, The Power of Focus.

Benefit: Stay well and avoid the diseases that come from overwork. Feel fulfilled and avoid guilt, which drains your energy. Sharpen your saw. Improve your effectiveness and understanding. Feel satis-fied you're available to loved ones.

4. Be Regular: Keep a consistent routine in work, meals, exercise, and rest. Regularity is easier on your nervous system, so your body will know what to expect.

How: Use the daily blueprint tool from #3.

Benefit: You experience less stress and have more vitality.

5. Eat and Sleep Sensibly: Quality sleep and a normal appetite are the best signs of health, and everything else depends on them. If you want to get or stay well, take care of these two aspects of your health.

How: See the healthful eating tips in chapter 33 and the sleep tips in chapter 56.

Benefit: Natural, deep sleep renews and refreshes your mind and heals your body. Proper eating and digestion optimize your immune system and prev-ent sickness.

6. Avoid Worry and Overthinking. It taxes your mind and your digestion. It's usually not productive anyway. You may know that but be unable to stop.

How: Some people tend to worry. They need simpler, unprocessed foods, and to avoid simple sugars, alcohol and coffee. Physical digestion affects your mind's ability to digest worries and possibilities. Get some moderate exercise daily to move your qi.

Benefit: Worry-free living! More energy, positivity, and peace of mind.

7. Strive to Be Openhearted, Open-Minded, and Content. When we're closed down or discontent, we become inflexible, intolerant, and insufferable. We experience more stress. Stress takes its toll, and we get sick.

How: List people, institutions, and ideas you resent or fear. Admit your selfishness, dishonesty, and fear, at least to yourself! Find Someone bigger than yourself to trust in. Pray and meditate. Read spiritual books and write about how they relate to your life. Think outside of the box. "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." Do the thing you are afraid of. Reach out to people no one wants. Be grateful and accept life as it is.

Benefit: Openheartedness is freedom and real love. Open-mindedness is freedom and the quickest way to truth. Contentedness is what everyone truly seeks.

8. Form Social Bonds to Sustain You in Times of Trouble. If you give a baby physical nourishment but not physical affection, it can die! Human beings are meant to live in communities. We need one another. Don't spend all your time absorbed in your problems and plans.

How: Meet people in networking groups, support groups, adult education classes, Toastmasters, Rot-ary clubs, church, etc.

Benefit: Other people strengthen and support us, listen to our problems, make helpful suggestions, point us in the right direction, and help us get where we need to go. The right people are your best allies and advocates for a positive and stable future, and thus are an essential part of getting and staying well. Plus, a good social life provides opportunities for the next suggestion…

9. Help Other People! Invest yourself in the lives of others.

How: List specific people you can help in your plans and goals, and in your daily blueprint. Think about what these people need, and how you can help them get it. It may seem counterintuitive and perhaps impossible when faced with real worries and problems, but if you help someone else, you'll find it's worth it. Remember, sometimes helping means saying no. Agape (perfect love) gives people what they need regardless of what they want.

Benefit: You'll end up feeling better, and more positive. In that better frame of mind, you'll plan and live your life more effectively.

For more about the book, go to What Preview Readers Said about Powerful Body, Peaceful Mind

Patients petition for acupuncture

2005-09-15T17:08:00.000-07:00

The Associated Press

LOUISVILLE - Patients who depend on acupuncture for pain relief and other ailments are urging Kentucky officials to regulate the practice so therapists can be licensed to operate in the state.

Only a physician or osteopath can legally practice acupuncture in Kentucky. That irks some patients, who travel across state lines seeking the ancient Chinese procedure.

"I don't have any options," said Melissa Brennan, a Dry Ridge resident who was paralyzed from the waist down after a car accident nine years ago. Brennan drives 40 minutes to her acupuncturist in Cincinnati, even though the therapist, Mimi Tagher, lives just 20 minutes from her home.

Brennan, 36, has severe pain in her lower back, where a metal plate holds her spine together, and says acupuncture is the only respite.

"I can't do anything in Kentucky. But here, Mimi has all of these diplomas and all of this education. She's amazing."

A bill has been pre-filed for the next session of the General Assembly that would create a board to regulate and license acupuncturists.

The Kentucky Medical Association acknowledges that non-physicians are practicing acupuncture in Kentucky and says it's time to regulate or license them.

People Who Know Famous People

2005-06-10T11:29:00.000-07:00

What's remarkable to me about becoming an acupuncturist in Southern California was how many people I met who had met or treated famous people. For example, just from my wife, a friend of hers, and my school study partner, we had...

Arnold Schwarzenegger - Annika met him once
Darn it if I can't remember the other famous people she's met besides me ;-)
In the 80s, my wife, Lynda Harvey, treated Bob Dylan (Mr. B.O.) and Chevy Chase among others
Lianne Audette, maybe my wife's best friend - heck a friend of both of ours now - got to jump out the window of a burning hotel with Frank Zappa - the story immortalized by the song learning by every budding young guitarist, Smoke on the Water.

I'm certain there are more, but those are all I remember off the top of my head.

So put on some Deep Purple, baby... one of the coolest 70s rock bands, and, as we all know deep in our bones, 70s rock is some of the most powerful there is.

Jimmy and Mary

2005-05-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

We've lived in our new house for a year now. I know because the NCAA basketball championships have come twice now. During the first sweet sixteen, I was measuring concrete floors to put in the hardwood. I watched the second one in the living room of a near complete renovation.

We have a great neighbor to the south, an Italian widower named Maria who is perhaps in her late 60s. She speaks broken (but nearly fixed) English with a strong Italian accent, and she calls me Jimmy- I've told her my real name, but she slips into calling me Jimmy anyway, and I think it's fine. I have another Italian friend in Clairemont name Jimmy. Maria calls my wife Mary even tho her name is Lynda.

Like all Italians (at least those who are 40 and older), Maria likes to give you lots of food. You hungry? Go to an Italian's house. If you leave an Italian's house hungry, it's your own fault.

I work from home, and Maria is almost always home. She brings me food at least once a week. Usually it's pasta or bread. She says her son gives her a lot of food (which she pronounces "fruit"), but no cat food, and the darn cat doesn't want to eat people food. The pasta is never al dente- as Michael Savage suggests, al dente may have been created by restauranteurs who want to save cooking time.

Mainly what Maria needs help with is her lawn. We live in East County San Diego, which means hickish and dry and hot, but we had one of the rainiest years since 1918 or so this year, so Maria had a backyard full of weeds and grass about 18 inches tall. She brought me pasta and asked me if I could help her with it.

I had been reading Imitation of Christ about being crucified with Christ- any suffering we do for good is like picking up our cross, being one with Christ in our suffering- so I went with gusto into her backyard jungle with my weed eater. An hour later, many weeds were dead, I was covered with green goop, and Maria was grateful.

Let me paraphrase James 1:27 - True religion is to visit orphans and widows in their trouble. I was thinking about that one, too. Isn't it funny? The woman who calls me Jimmy give me an opportunity to put James into action (and James is all about action).

She says Mary needs to eat more. Lynda tells her she does eat... Lynda needs Maria to alter her pants because she's changed weights again- Maria does amazing alterations very quickly, and probably would love to make some extra money doing more work, but doesn't want too much in case she gets sick and can't keep up.

Jesus said the essence of the commandments was to Love God and your Neighbor- of course neighbor means more than your geographic neighbor, but if you can't love the people next door, who can you love? Most people know how isolated we've become- from not locking our doors in the 1950s to not only locks and alarm systems, but frequently to complete anonymity even in the midst of a neighborhood. Fortunately, around here there are kids, and kids force a bridge by playing between houses. It's good for us to have to interact with our neighbors- we need practice loving strangers.

Love Letters from Wayne Dyer's Insane Fans

2005-01-31T16:32:00.000-08:00

I wrote a review on amazon some time back about Wayner Dyer's recent book, The Power of Intention. It was in the form of a fake testimonial- to demonstrate how ludicrous the concept is. Fortunately for Wayne, there's a sucker born every minute, and a lot of people want to believe in magic. So, some of his fans got mad at me- but some others read it and felt affirmed by me... so here's the review and the response I got.

10 of 79 people found the following review helpful:

Intention Worked for Me!, September 22, 2004

Reviewer:

Brian B. Carter (San Diego, CA United States) - See all my reviews

Wow, what a book! I'm writing this from the laptop inside my Lambourghini Gallardo, here on the Carribean island I manifested for myself. Before Dr. Dyer's book, I was a total loser, and it was all because I didn't have the right intentions! Plus, I was under the misconception that I should help other people, be polite and courteous, etc. But Dr. Dyer helped me realize that the most important thing in life was to get the world to work MY WAY! Once I understood his message, I got right to changing my intentions. And now here I am, sitting in my dream car on my own island, waiting for my beautiful trophy wife to get done shopping. She's buying me a Rolex!

And here are the emails I got back-

1. Hi there: I've NEVER written an Amazon reviewer before but I felt I had
to when I read your marvelously tongue-in-cheek review of the above
book.

At first I thought you were serious, because I USED to be heavily into
the New Age movement in Southern Calif., and the tone of your review fit
right into that S. Cal New Age vibe. Obviously, most of Amazon readers
didn't get it either, since not many people felt your review was
"helpful"

Anyway--wanted to let you know you were appreciated!

from M.S. in the medical field (name withheld)

2. Was that true about the Lamborgini and the trophy wife? Please let me know because I am going to buy the book..... You're an idiot. - Peter Severa (name not withheld because hate mail and hate mailers should be known to all)

My reply: Thanks. No, it was sarcasm. Let me know how that works out for you. Kind of like "pray and then take action" I think "intend and then take action" will do a lot more than just "intending" - I have plenty of experience with that kind of thing... it's nothing new, and I've seen other people get sucked into it- it's a dead end. Positive thinking is good, but intention is bologny.
- B

Peter's reply: God to know it all, must be wonderful, I think it was Einstein who said imagination is more important than knowledge....I guess you have a lot of knowledge....BTW, the book does talk about doing...one would actually have to read the book to know that though...

My reply: Ya, sorry too busy with work to read the latest fad flash. Buy any diet pills lately?
;-) Just kidding with ya. No, it's not good to know it all. It's very frustrating. :-)
- B

And then Peter gave up on me. Perhaps he read something about being nice in that Wayne Dyer book.

Why the AMA is Losing the Health War

2004-10-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… October 12, 2003. Have infiltrated the enemy target. Healing center has its own campus, mostly natural. Very little concrete. All corners rounded. Convinced them I was a deep tissue massage therapist… easier that way to take out my aggressions toward them without arousing suspicion. Watching them closely and looking for opportunities to get deeper inside.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… November 25, 2003. Still maintaining deep cover inside healing center. Primary activities of center include colon hydrotherapy and supervised juice fasts. Difficult to hold my feelings about this treasonous behavior in check – my allegiance to AMA approved medicine only is still strong – and my ability to pretend to support this ridiculous quackery is good. Proud to be of service to my country.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… December 24, 2004. Missing my private physician and my pharmaceuticals. Have judged it too risky to continue to take my antidepressant medication here. Everyone lives onsite in primitive dwellings. Have to talk with them constantly about how good we are being for mother earth. Disgusting. No private bathroom- no sure place to hide pills, so will use my willpower to conquer emotions. I’ll be fine. My desire to eliminate all this quackery is stronger than my old depression was.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… December 26, 2004. Was very lonely on Christmas without family. Tried to make cell phone call to my physician’s nurse secretly, but was surprised and invited to meditate with another massage therapist, an attractive but hopelessly deluded little sprite. Facility here has little security, but all staff are very close. Reminds me of operations in Falujah in 1989. Have to adopt lifestyle convincingly. To that end, have had to accept invitation from the colon hydrotherapist to have colon cleansing. Such masochism here, all in the name of health. Pseudoscientific crap!

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… December 31, 2004. Feeling much more upbeat about deep cover work here. Sprite thinks it’s because of the colon cleansing, but I think it’s my focused patriotism. Long live the AMA! Annoying little female massage nymph whose name really actually is, get this, ‘Sprite’, trying to sucker me into relationship, it appears, but I’m too revolted by her to accept (doesn’t shave armpits). Tell Cindy F. in Advanced Weapons Technology I said hi. Made acquaintance with woman who owns the center, trying to get into her confidence, assessing weaknesses we can exploit here.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… January 11, 2004. Haven’t checked in lately- confused- difficult to resist constantly positive smiling healers- I’ve become a bit depressed- they seem to see it- couldn’t help it got involved with Sprite- but had to to avoid arousing suspicion- shamanic journey therapist told me I needed to ‘pursue the light’. Found center’s files, skimmed them- not sure if there’s anything we can use- maybe some kind of IRS violation we can find in their finances. On a strange note, I actually enjoyed one of the colon hydrotherapy sessions. This quackery can be disorienting. See how these people might become confused enough to be so deluded.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX993 field report… January 19, 2004. Sick of juice, can’t stop thinking about bone-in rib-eye steaks! Dream about them all night. Sprite told me I’m moaning ‘meat’ in my sleep. I told her I dreamt she was saying it about me- close call. Couldn’t photocopy tax records because they’ve been going without power to ‘save the earth’. Suspect they didn’t pay electric bill. Will report in again after stupid healing retreat we all have to do.

AMA Intelligence Agent CX93(?) field report… February 1, 2004. Requesting transfer or new assignment. Strange thoughts. Questioning AMA. Retreat was intense. Found my spirit name, White Horse. Feel I’m being brainwashed. But it’s working- very confused. No longer want steak. Feeling tearful affection for other staff. Was happy when I helped a massage patient. Think I’d be better off back in a Middle East assignment.

AMA Intelligence Agent ????? field report… February 3, 2004. No word from you- is something wrong? This is my last ounce of strength telling you I need out of this sickeningly positively heavenly awesome transformative place. They tell me my colon looks perfect and all my flora are balanced. Idea of steak or McDonald’s makes me nauseous. Created my own fasting juice blend. Help!

February 7, 2004. This will be my last communiqué. Sprite and I married in pagan ceremony with female minister. We created spontaneous wedding love song. Attending online colon hydrotherapy course and learning to heal others. Hope you can get free like I did. But you probably won’t understand. Don’t try to contact me again. None of your AMA arguments or weapons will work. Sorry, let me rephrase- if you want a colon cleansing or juice fast, please contact me. Can’t you see that you have to seek the light?
- White Horse.

Long Live the Computer Woman Voice and Her Amazing Customer Service!

2004-10-07T18:55:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to report that my cable modem died today.

"Great!" said my wife.

"Another tech problem. What would I do if I didn't have any tech problems?"

"Life would be pretty boring."

So, I called Cox Communications, filled with excitement - I didn't have to worry about my social anxiety, because it would be hours before I had to talk to a real human customer service representative.

You're probably as happy as I am about the fact that most companies have computerized their phone systems. It's now impossible to get ahold of any real living breathing people. In fact, they purposely make the phone options inadequate and confusing in the hope that you don't really have a problem, or you'll decide you can live:

without a computer
without the internet
with the water all over your floor
with a mongo gas leak you can't stop, or
with a large piece of steak blocking your windpipe.

Cox, with an obvious stroke of genius, has incorporated cutting edge technology, something not unlike what you saw in 'I Robot', called - brace yourself - "artificial retardidence". A very calm and sane woman's voice comes on and tells you she'll be helping you because all the humans are very very busy and they'd go through the exact same process with you anyway. It really surprised me that Cox employees take phone calls this way:

speaking very slowly
ignoring you until after they ask a question, and
only allowing 2 right answers for each question

But hey, who am I to judge?

To my delight, the computer woman has no idea that the modem might just be dead. But she does make a cool keyboard sound when she looks up my info. I didn't know computers could type on their own keyboards. Maybe she's a robot. I wonder if she's hot!

"Our records show you have a Toshiba modem, is that right?"

"No." Oops, that WAS right, but I thought she meant my computer, because I was thinking of my wife's Toshiba laptop, which isn't working, even after erasing the hard drive. It's her third Toshiba laptop and they've all had problems. I keep telling her to get away from Toshiba and get a Dell desktop like me- they're like Hondas, never require maintenance. But she seems to like the dynamic of random computer problems- she's stickin with Toshiba through thick and thin, even after three deadbeats. Come to think of it, I'm her third husband, and the other two were losers... nevermind, I love Toshiba! Toshiba's just fine!

"Oh, ok," computer woman continues. "I'm going to need you to look for the modem and tell me what kind it is... when you're ready, say continue."

I was looking right at the modem. "Continue."

"I'm sorry, there are only two answers you can say right now-"

"Continue!"

"(Long pause) Ok, the modem is a small either white or black box, located either on your floor, or on the desk-"

I've already hit zero for operator twice. The first time, the computer woman gives me a fake ringing sound, pretending she's checking to see if someone was available, but I know what she's doing - it's called 'giving customers the artificial runaround' or just 'artificial lying'.

"Sorry," she says, "all operators are still busy." Surprise! "Let's keep going, and when I connect you, I'll let customer service know everything we do."

I'm glad you can't get sent to anger management for yelling at computer voices and muzak. Not YET that is. Wait until computer women get their rights. They'll probably get them from computer judges. But I feel unheard here. She doesn't get what I'm yelling. I think they should teach the computer woman to recognize words like **** and **** and ***** so she can tell my customer service representative about it whenever she connects me to him, like next Saturday. By then, I'll feel bad, though, and try to ask the computer woman's forgiveness.

"I'm sorry," says computer woman. "We're experiencing unusually high call volumes today." An then in a gushing voice, "Thanks for waiting! We'll connect you to a customer service representative as soon as possible."

Oh, well that makes it all ok, doesn't it?

I wonder how many angry unshaven guys drive their little trucks over to Cox Communications, brandishing useless computer parts as weapons, looking for infuriating computer women. I bet they hope they find her so they can bash her to bits and then say, "Oh, I'm sorry! I'm experiencing UNUSUALLY HIGH ANGER VOLUMES TODAY!" Now I understand why Cox's campus is surrounded by a 10 foot iron fence and has a guard shack at the entrance. "Listen, trainee," says the veteran guard, "we take down the angry ones." He hits his palm with the nightstick. "Even sorta angry ones... Got it?"

Good thing I can daydream like this while I'm on the phone with them. If I had to talk to a real person right now, I'd have to focus, and that could be difficult for me. I appreciate how easy an experience they're making this for me. All I have to do is sit here... I've been on the phone so long, I forget which company I've called, and why I'm on the phone. I think the muzak is sinking in.

"I'm sorry, we're experiencing unusually high stupidity levels today."

Oh, that's nice!

I sit waiting for the next message, listening to the completely unidentifiable muzak. I wonder if you can get that stuff on CD. What's up with the muzak industry anyway? How come we never hear about it? What about the scandalous lives of muzak-cians? I just don't think you can play muzak versions of rock n roll and rap without the rebelliousness and gangsta lifestyle rubbing off on you. And how much bling bling do muzak-cians have? Rock stars date movie stars. Who do date muzakcians date? And is there a history of muzak book? That would be fascinating. Well, maybe not, but it would definitely be pleasant.

"I'm sorry, we're experiencing unusually high numbers of employees outside smoking today. Thanks for waiting."

I'm speechless now, trying to think of the word for how I feel - which smiley face is me today? I think it must be RAGE. Or it would be if I didn't have this beautiful muzak to listen to. I think it used to be Public Enemy, or maybe Eminem, but now it's just... pleasant.

When I finally talked to a non-computer person, which was actually pretty fast considering the picture my computer woman had painted, I learned you can get past the computer by not cooperating with the computer woman. I had forgotten the last time I'd called, I'd done that by acting retarded. If she can't understand you, she happily forwards you to a non-computer person. Poor computer woman. I'd really hate to put her out of work.

***Oh, and if you’re not sure I’m telling you the truth about Cox’s beautiful automated system, either try it out yourself at 800-221-4188, or check out their online version of the RUNAROUND online. Go to http://www.cox.com/support/sandiego/techsupport.asp, and just try to find a phone number.

Lance Armstrong Bracelet

2004-10-03T23:46:00.000-07:00

"Why is everyone wearing those yellow bracelets?" growled Michael Savage from my car radio.

Fortunately, I already knew it was a lance armstrong bracelet. Someone had worn one to my Toastmasters of La Jolla meeting a week or two before.

I knew it was a program to benefit cancer patients. You can buy your own Lance Armstrong bracelet for just a dollar, you wear it around, and obviously people will notice, get interested and hopefully buy one, too.

So far, the Lance Armstrong Foundation has sold about 13 million of these yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets. Actually, right now you have to order at least 10 bracelets on the internet, but you can sell/distribute them to your friends and coworkers.

Bigger companies and organizations might consider buying 100 or 1000 Lance Armstrong bracelets for employees and volunteers.

Unless you've been living under a rock, you know who Lance Armstrong (http://www.lancearmstrong.com/) is, and at least part of his story. In a nutshell, he was a great cyclist who beat cancer that had spread all over his body, then came back to win the biggest race in his sport six years in a row.

He started his foundation during cancer treatment. Nike has been helping him promote the yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets, but it's the generosity of regular folks like you that will save lives.

You can buy your own bracelets here: http://www.laf-store.org/

Swami Sri Yogurt-n-Anda’s Triple Happiness Raisin Secret

2004-10-01T18:12:00.000-07:00

September 25, 2004

"Swami Sri Yogurt-n-Anda’s Triple Happiness Raisin Secret"

Hail, peaceful followers of the infinite pool gathering! I, disciple Ten Vidi come to you with a message of hope and tranquility, special for you, prepared by the meditations and incense of the most holy monks of St. Rama Llama Ding Dong.

Our most holy swami Yogurt-n-anda has spent the last twelve years meditating on raisins, and has come to understand a basic truth about dietary purity and how best to prepare your digestive system to convey you quicker to ultimate enlightenment.

The following is my humble translation of his truth writings, taken directly from the vellum scroll on which he inscribed it. I pray for your patience in reading my translation as I am a simple white man who the holy monks lowered themselves to accept- I am a native English speaker and have been forced to learn Hindi and Sanskrit from scraps of paper, thrown out MacDonald’s bags, and the cheap American romance novels (translated into Hindi) that the monks here read. I begged them for the money to take a correspondence course on Sanskrit, but they beat me with big sticks, locked me in the basement, and laughed for three days straight. That’s when I learned my first big spiritual lesson: never ask monks for money. Nonetheless, in college I was forced to read James Joyce and Allen Ginsberg, so I had a lot of experience making sense of nonsense, which is why I was able to learn Sanskrit and Hindi by myself. But occasionally I wonder if my translations are correct. Boy it’s a good thing these monks can’t read English, or I’d probably be in the basement again! Well I better get to it before they decide I’m taking too long. Here are the words of the great, holy, humble, enlightened swami sri yogurt-n-anda:

Greetings earth people and shame on you for being eaters of the foul fowl, the stupid cow, the dirty pig. I love you so much, the universe loves me so and I am the universe so I love you. You have befouled your innards with the meat of idiot animals. I have found a new way, a better way, given to me by the loving universe. I have had much time to consider the finest fruit ever to manifest in this plane of reality, the raisin. As you know, all is energy, down to the deepest subatomic level- the electron, the proton, even the quark are very very tiny expressions of love. And on a bigger level, for us on this planet earth, the sun is the biggest energy, the greatest love we know. It loves one half of the earth all day long, loving the soil, the worms, the plants, the trees, the fish and birds, and even us human bags of bones. And as you know, the raisin could not be without the sun. Not only does the sun go into the growing of the grape, but it goes in again when the grape dries into a raisin. So it contains double the energy and love of other food sources, which only grow once. And if you eat animals, you are eating second-hand love. The raisin is not only first-hand, it is double love, double happiness. So now that you know the truth, let me caution you about this crazy Atkins diet fad I hear so many of you are following. First you must know that protein can be ok, if it is first-hand vegetable love protein, but not the idiot animal protein. But there is a bigger issue for you to consider. Not only is the raisin double the love of other foods, but it has the power of carb within it, one of the only natural ways to defeat karma. You know the old saying, a carb a day keeps the karma away? It’s a famous village saying in the north of Pakistan, or it was before Ghandi. Everything is crazy now since that guy came. But the raisin gives me clarity, and when I put it in my mouth, I smile. That’s all I need to know- the smile test. More than that, I find that I can do more yoga if all I eat is raisins, and more yoga means more access to universal truth, and more happiness, so that means raisins are triple happiness. But about this Atkins- if you say it really fast over and over, it sounds like “I Can’t” which is a very negative thing to think, and if you have this negative mantra in your head even subconsciously while you eat idiot animals, you are what you eat and your mind will be like a cow’s, and I wouldn’t be surprised if your whole life went straight to hell in a handbasket. But don’t worry- if you’ve fallen into this Atkins I Can’t thing, you can get out of the downward spiral with fasting and colon cleansing. Several of the monks here used to be “I Can’ts” and they felt much better after 6 months of fasting and colon cleansing. They went on a very special fast that the raisins taught me. All they ate was cheezits and they drank a lot of green tea. Plus all the colon cleanses were done with Starbuck’s Sumatra coffee - and let me tell you that is the only place in your body fit for Sumatra coffee - and they were totally different guys after that. They lost about 20 lbs and forgot their names, which was ok because we give all the monks new names here. So then we taught new devotees the history of raisins, which we’ve had in the East a lot longer than you have. California raisins, you make me laugh! Your foolish crusading knights stole our raisins in the 11th century but they didn’t take with them the wisdom of raisins. They continued to eat all manner of idiot meat and considered raisins a mere snack. That’s like eating dung and desserting on strawberries! Like mostly watching reality TV and only occasionally going to the Pulse of Oriental Medicine website! Insane! Anyway, the devotees were fascinated to find out how to make and store and chop raisins, and good thing too, because our previous raisin-preparing monks had run away from the monastery to live closer to the MacDonald’s in New Delhi, so our new devotees had nothing to do but make and store and chop raisins all day long, and that’s what they’ve been doing for months now. Anyway, in summary, raisins are triple happiness, catalyze enlightenment, and keep you really darned regular, so eat more of them, give up everything else, and we need some new raisin racks and a lot more napkins, so send us some money here at the Sun Dried Swami Monastery, c/o Sony India Pvt Ltd, Nagpur, India.

Swami Yogurt-n-Anda’s Raisin Constipation Pose

There you have it, a pure translation of super ecstatic truth from a living master. Just translating these words makes me feel closer to the source of all love and energy and truth. I hope you have appreciated our monthly newsletter update from the monastery. I look forward to writing you again, and if you want, please feel free to write us here. I get pretty lonely because most of the other monks don’t speak English, and they never let me watch TV with them. But please, don’t send anymore livestock, at least not in boxes. Someone sent us what I think was at one time a rooster before the Indian postal service and the summer heat got to it. And I couldn’t eat any raisins for days after that. But if you have anything for diarrhea, I’d really appreciate it. I think it’s all the raisins. Well, anyway, peace and blessings, and keep your face toward the sun!

Yours, Ten Vidi, least of all monks, Sun Dried Swami Monastery.

Behold, the Coming of the Anti Atkins

2004-09-28T18:09:00.000-07:00

Some say the book of revelation is closed, that God no longer speaks to his children with prophetic visions of the future. But just the other morning at the breakfast table, I was seized with a true apocalyptic dream and I am compelled to share it with you.

It concerns a time in the near distant future when obesity is rampant, and a small but devout group of skinny faithful adherents to the Lord Atkins will suffer all manner of insult and social exclusion for the glory of the one true food component, protein. Oh yes, and even then, many will rise up to claim that they also believe in protein, but some of these will be false prophets who teach convincing near similitudes, yet they will harbor the spirit of the Anti-Atkins, the one who is yet to come.

Yes, though for a time the masses will side with the followers of Atkins, eschewing the chewing of carbohydrates, refusing free bread with meals, single-handedly attempting to destroy the stock portfolios of those who invest in Krispy Kreme; though they will seem to be with us, they will leave us because of the power of carb. The power of carb is deep within us all, and they will be powerless to resist it.

They will find themselves eating all manner of sweets late at night, especially those things which come in transparent plastic that makes lots of noise – Ho Ho’s, Twinkies, and the like. These weak carb-lovers will plead for forgiveness and mercy and claim to be simply ‘carbal Atkinists’. But they seek only to spread the same confusion that fills their soggy, crème-filled minds. They will secretly eat two bowls of Frosted Flakes, because one is not enough. They will read books about candy and try all manner of obscure candies with the urgent certainty that these candies will soon be unavailable and they must try them and enjoy them now before that happens.

Yes, but these Carbal-minded people only presage the coming of the Anti-Atkins, a menace of far greater horror. The power of the carb will turn the hearts of those who had believed in protein against the Atkinists. As they munch their donuts and sip too-heavily-sugared coffee, they will murmur their common resentments against the protein loving, athletic-wear-wearing, often sweaty, very skinny, too happy Atkinists.

As time goes on, they will organize with insulin-dependent lawyers, sitting in conference rooms drinking sweet tea and slurping Twinkie crème through straws, devising ways to destroy the Atkinists. They will establish that eating your favorite food component – namely carbohydrates – is a first amendment right. Free expression implies free consumption. They will find children, disabled, and elderly people to champion their causes, claiming these people have been emotionally traumatized and unfairly discriminated against by Atkinists. They will file motions to have Atkins books removed from bookstores and libraries. They will sue schools for requiring that overweight children do as much exercise as skinny children. After all, should a child who becomes obese through expressing his free consumption rights have to suffer just because another child prefers protein? After a few more years, we’ll see the first case of child abuse filed on the basis of not giving the child as much sugar and carbohydrates as they want.

About this time, the Anti-Atkins will arise. He will consolidate this carb backlash. He will write books and become a loved and respected prophet amongst the people. Science will be divided over the issue. The insurance industry will become silent for fear of being sued for discriminating against obese people. The Anti-Atkins will be hugely obese, but in a happy friendly way. He will also have a smile, a joke, or a wise comment for his fans. He will be the only guest on Oprah for 6 weeks straight.

This was the end of my vision. I became aware of myself at the breakfast table, looking out at my backyard, my face drenched in perspiration, shaking with palpable fear, and to my horror, I realized I was holding a spoon, and there was an empty bowl of Frosted Flakes in front of me.

Noise Control and Noise Cancelling Headphones

2004-09-14T18:53:00.000-07:00

Noise!

I love peace and quiet. When I was at college in Ohio, I used to wander for hours in the forests, just being, just looking, just listening to natural sounds. I hate noise. I’m a sensitive guy. I’ve always been that way. From a very young age, our family was divided by this – by Dad and my sister made loud eating noises at the dinner table. My mom and I couldn’t stand it. Our complaints did no good- my sister thought we were crazy.

I just don’t understand it. Some people are way over the top. They open their mouths wide with every bite. You can see their food. You can hear them “mmmah,mmmah,mmmah,” – You know why it’s so annoying? I just can’t ignore it. I can’t help but stare. I don’t understand how you can end up like that. Who taught you that? How can you not be embarrassed by that? It’s disgusting. I can’t explain why- I don’t know why I hate it. But I feel like your mouth is right in my ear. Like you’re chewing inside my ear.

It’s the same with kids who slurp on the end of a drink that’s already empty- that empty drink sound. That sound means STOP! I made my wife stop eating crunchy foods. She loves that stuff. She even puts crunchy stuff in her ice cream. No hard candies, no chips, no pretzels. Unnh uh. I love her, but she’s got to stop.

It’s like the cell phone people- the ones who sit in a class or the movie theatre while the thing rings 5 times before going to voicemail. You look at them and they have no clue. They really have no clue. Or they’ll pick it up and start talking before they’ve left the room. And it’s creeping. It used to be people wouldn’t let a phone even ring during a meeting or class or movie. Then they’d let it ring but not say hello until they were through the door (though they didn’t wait til the door closed)- and now they’ll sit there during a movie and have a conversation with someone on the phone! Creeping selfishness! It’s getting worse.

Noise pollution is the most invasive kind. You can get a water filter, or have pure water delivered. You can buy an air filter or wear a mask or move to places without smog. You can even combat smells by putting some strong smelling oil under your nose. But noise goes through walls. Earplugs only work so much and deprive you of an irreplaceable sensory ability. Sometimes I’ve had to put earplugs in, put noise-cancelling headphones over them, then listen to music through them to tune it all out. Loud bass vibrates into your bones. It’s inescapable.
But just as inexplicably, sometimes I’m ok with the noise. Sometimes I think the kid slurping on the empty drink is cute. I never think the open mouthed chew is cute. But I can even get into someone else’s loud music- I can relate to the humanity and enjoyment and fun of making noise. But I can’t control the noise sensitivity.

I work from home mostly. That used to seem romantic- be your own boss, schedule your own time, no annoying coworkers, etc. One nice things about working in an office I forgot about was quiet. Most of the offices I’ve been in are calm. No big bass stereo acura’s driving past your window, no flocks of birds screaming from the nearby tree, no neighbor jack hammering his sidewalk or pounding away at a new addition. You can almost fall asleep in an office – no, I have fallen asleep in an office. Not at home during the day. For some reason, half the kids in the neighborhood don’t go to school, so it’s like a baseball training camp around here and I spend half my day throwing balls back over the fence to irresistibly cute kids, and the guy at the end of the cul-de-sac’s life mission is to perfect the mechanics of his mini scooter, the one he tests by driving back and forth in front of my house. My only comfort is in knowing how ridiculous a grown man looks on a one and a half foot tall scooter. If you call that comfort. Mostly I shake my head and feel baffled.

Oh, and birds- I’ve been at war with the birds for about three years. It started in Clairemont in the height of summer. Noise is always the worst in the summer- despite the relatively monolithic seasons of San Diego, it still gets hotter, the days longer, people more active and louder- it’s harder to sleep at night, even with air conditioning, and in Clairemont we only had fans. That means the windows have to be open, and that means that if a rogue tropical insomniac parrot who got lost while migrating because he’s retarded decides to roost in your neighborhood, you’re not going to sleep. Oh, it’s fascinating how many beautiful calls this parrot knows, and how randomly he can switch from one to another, and how loud he is even two blocks away- it’s so fascinating that I wanted to get a closer look at him- through the telescope of a sniper rifle! But I didn’t own a gun, not even a BB gun, and didn’t want to kill it, so I got cozy with some earplugs and covered my head with two pillows and finally got some sleep. But I did go out a few nights and throw rocks at the tree it was in. Eventually, mercifully, it moved on. I’ve used fans for white noise, but if the fan has a noticeable cycle, my brain finds it and can’t listen to anything else (imitate with voice)- and if two fans are going, they may cycle over one another (imitate with hands and voice)

(Oh it can’t be that bad - You don’t understand!) Now, at our current house in Santee, the avian terrorists are blue jays- the meanest birds- I know, I once saw a blue jay stalk, attack, and eat a smaller bird. They’re mean. They’re nasty. They’re evil. They even figured out that I didn’t like them. Not sure how- maybe it was the fact that I threw rocks at them all the time. Hmmm. But instead of moving on, they decided it was some kind of game. They came back and chirped some more, trying to get me to come outside. They knew I’d probably miss them with the rock- they thought it was funny. So I had to ignore them. Not give them the pleasure of controlling me. See what I have to deal with?

I looked into subsonic bird-repelling machines, but they were $300-500, and I wasn’t ready to spend that much on it. I bought a slingshot, but I couldn’t hit anything with it, and I didn’t practice. Even more frustrating. I don’t even hate all birds- birds in the wild make nice sounds. But birds who feel their territory is being violated make horrible sounds to try to get you to leave. Never mind the fact that they’re the ones who built their nest in my house! I’m the one who’s supposed to get out.

When we lived in Normal Heights (normal, yeah right)- we had a lot of idiot drivers going by with their loud bass thumping- totally inconsiderate. It could be the most amazing song a human being ever recorded – to YOU – but to me it’s just Da DA…… Da DA….. Try thinking an original thought with that going on. You have to be an idiot not to realize that everyone within three blocks can hear your bass signal- the bass sound wave has long wavelength and penetrates almost anything. So, either you’re brain dead, or you just don’t care about anyone but yourself- selfish, or stupid. Not much I could do about them. I considered buying a paintball gun and shooting their windshields, but I figured either they’d wreck the car and I’d have to pay, or they’d have a real gun, and I’d get shot. So, nothing I could do about it – I think when you call the police to complain about noise and they say they’ll send a cruiser to check it out, they prioritize it somewhere below getting catching up on their monthly paperwork. And unpredictable, too. Not only would they drive by whenever, but sometimes they’d pull up at a nearby house and sit there for 10 minutes. I had to go outside once and calmly request that they turn down their radio since I was working for a living about 50 feet away. “Oh, yeah, sorry,” he said. How can you live in your own world like that while surrounded by so many people? I don’t understand it, because like I said, I’m a sensitive guy.

Because I know how painful it is to be taken hostage by other people’s sounds, I do everything I can to avoid becoming the victimizer. No matter how into a song I am when I pull up to a stoplight, I turn my music down. In general, adjust the bass level to be as low as possible so that I can still hear it enough to enjoy it, but so I’m not spilling extra bass into the surroundings.
And I have an idea for an invention for cars- see, the exterior of my car will detect if the car next to me is playing their stereo too loud, and then it will respond accordingly. You know those noise-cancelling headphones? They hear what’s going on around, then emit a soundwave that’s the reverse of the surroundings, effectively canceling the signal and producing silence. My car will detect the sounds from your car, and broadcast the opposite signal to silence your stereo. Not only that, it will also punish you with the kind of music you hate. This is pretty easy to do. If you’re playing rap, we’ll play you country. If you’re playing country, we’ll send you some really loud classical music. Most classical music lovers don’t blast their music, but if they do, we’ll give them some rap. And if you blast any top 40 music, we’ll blast a lecture on organic chemistry.

I know, real peace comes from within, and if I were peaceful inside, I wouldn’t mind these sounds, I’d embrace them and identify with the humanity of them- I don’t really believe we can just become peaceful amidst all this noise pollution. I cannot become the change I want to see because I cannot become silent. In fact, I think I need to yell about all this noise! I think we’ve lost some of our humanity- buried under all this noise and distraction somewhere is a purity and ease, relaxation, tranquility- if you’ve ever gone on vacation long enough in a peaceful enough place to feel generally blissful, ok, at ease, not having worried thoughts, not angry, just content- you know what I mean. It’s like taking a long refreshing bath in silence. You have to wrap it around you and sleep in it. You have to relax into it.

An Alternate, Humorous Version of the Bio in my Book

2004-09-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

Brian Benjamin Carter rambles and tries to be funny on his website, occasionally remembering he's supposed to be helping regular folks improve their lives. More than 400,000 people worldwide have accidentally clicked onto PulseMed.org, an amazing free resource of articles designed and almost entirely written by this 31 year old prodigy. Brian has talked to writers at Real Simple, Glamour, and ESPN magazines who usually ignore him, but one of whom actually quoted him. He teaches (if you call 'cracking jokes and playing James Brown when students get bored' teaching) at the Pacific College of Oriental Medicine, and lives with his wife (only because he hypnotized her into believing he's witty, brilliant, and a few other things) Lynda Harvey-Carter, and their two gray tabbies (who mostly sleep and meow but are pretty darn cute) in stunningly beautifu San Diego, California, for which you should envy him. This is his first book and, fortunately for you, probably not his last.

Top 10 Ways to Live Life More Dangerously

2004-09-07T23:59:00.000-07:00

Tonight our Toastmasters of La Jolla theme is Adrenaline, which as you may know, is the chemical responsible for our “fight or flight” response – whether it’s a bear chasing you, or a close call on the freeway, you get excited and scared – your body prepares to fight or run.

In keeping with our theme, we have:

The Top Ten ways to live life more dangerously

10. Always smoke while refueling your car. Also, keep it running the whole time, and bring slippers and a piece of carpet to generate static electricity with. If anyone says anything, flip them ‘the bird’.

9. Whenever you see a big jacked up truck, accelerate past them, cut them off and then flip them ‘the bird’.

8. When driving beside a highway patrol car, wait until they’re exiting the freeway, wave to them, then flip them ‘the bird’.

7. Go to an amusement park and ride the fastest scariest rollercoaster in the park as many times as it takes to barf on the people behind you. When you exit the ride, point at them, and laugh. Then flip them the bird, and run!

6. If you park your car and other people are sitting in the next car, bump their door loudly with yours, then walk away as if nothing had happened. If they say anything... you know what to do.

5. While grocery shopping, eat food that you haven’t bought yet, then eat the wrapper so they can’t scan the bar code. If the grocery checker says anything, tell them to ‘scan this’.

4. Find the biggest guy in the gym and ask him why he’s such a small girlie man. Did he just start working out?

3. Women: Dress revealingly, then interrupt any conversation between a man and woman. Ignore the woman and ask the man a question, and listen to his answer as if he’s the most fascinating and sexy man on the planet. Ask him how such a fascinating man could be standing here all alone.

2. Men: Wait until that that special woman in your life is PMS’ing, and then: point out all the things about her that have been bothering you lately.

And the number one way to live life more dangerously…

1. Ask your significant other how their day was, and when they start talking, turn away and start doing something else.

Top 10 Ways to Mess Up Your Emotions

2004-09-01T23:41:00.000-07:00

Here's the President's top ten list from August 31st. Did you miss the meeting? The theme of the Aug 31 meeting of Toastmasters of La Jolla was 'Efficiency'.

It's hard to be efficient if your emotions are all messed up, so here's a list of things NOT to do (this is an excerpt from my new book on body-mind medicine)

Brian Carter's Top Ten Ways to Mess Up Your Emotions

10. Work until you collapse. Repeat.

9. Alternate option: Drink until you pass out every day. Come to. Repeat.

8. Don't exercise. Ever. Even if someone points a gun at your head.

7. Ignore your body, appetite, and sleep. Substitute caffeine and sugar.

6. Fantasize about the future while doing nothing.

5. Stubbornly hang on to vague goals of huge magnitude.

4. Decide you don't have enough time to improve yourself. Then go watch some TV.

3. If all else fails, worry as much as possible about loved ones. It shows you really care.

2. Occasionally take breaks from self-absorption to envy and resent everyone else.

And the number one way to mess up your emotions is...

1. Focus on what you don't have. Once you get it, don't let that faze you: put it away and focus on something else you don't have.

The Top 10 Advantages of Being a Loser

2004-08-25T23:45:00.000-07:00

Here's the President's top ten list from August 23rd. Did you miss it?

The theme of the Aug 23 meeting of Toastmasters of La Jolla was the Humorous Speech Contest, and the Tabletopics Contest. As usual, I made a sharp lefthand turn and spun the topic. The focus was on competing and winning, so I thought I'd make the losers feel more comfortable.

Losing has gotten a bad rap. There are some really good benefits to losing. Here are...

The Top Ten Advantages of Being a Loser

10. Plenty of time to discover how many different shapes you make with a paper clip

9. More time with opposite sex means your loser genes are more likely to dominate the gene pool

8. Easier to keep relationships because girls that like losers have lower standards

7 . Mobile home parks are filled with your kind, and they're cheap!

6. If the Democrats win in 2004, all losers will receive a $90,000 tax credit.

5. If you lose dramatically on TV, you can get more airtime than the winner

4. TV is always looking for a guy whose broken leg pokes through his skin, or a driver whose car flips 12 times and then blows up

3. Losers always outnumber winners, so you can all jump the winner and beat him up

2. Sometimes losers win out of sheer luck and that really pisses off the winners

And the number one advantage of being a loser is...

1. No demanding training schedules means more time to watch Seinfeld reruns

Top 10 Dumbest Quotes Ever

2004-08-18T23:55:00.000-07:00

Tonite’s Toastmasters of La Jolla theme is “Traveling Through Space and Time,” and as I thought about astronauts, cosmonauts, and whatnauts, I remembered there is another kind of space, INNER space – and some of us have more inner space than others- e.g. blondes, jocks, etc. and we are often called “Space Cadets.”

So tonight’s top ten list is a bunch of quotes that come from some of our most famous Space Cadets – here are my top ten dumbest quotes ever:

10. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- Dan Quayle

9. "I was dramatically shaped by my grandmother and my aunts because they convinced me there was always a cookie available. Deep down inside I'm four years old, and I wake up and think out there, there's a cookie. Every morning I'm going, you know, either it can be baked or it's already been bought, but it's in a jar . . . somewhere. . . ."
— Newt Gingrich, 1994

8. "My vision is to make the most diverse state on earth, and we have people from every planet on the earth in this state. We have the sons and daughters of every, of people from every planet, of every country on earth."
— Former California Gov. Gray Davis, during the recall campaign

7. "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
- a North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to his Coach why he appeared nervous at practice, 1982

6. "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had been to the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

5. "Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win."
- Basketball announcer Doug Collins

4. "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

3. "I'm a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife."
-Baseball player Mike Greenwell

2. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
- Jason Kidd, Point Guard, New Jersey Nets

And the number one dumbest quote ever is…

“I love being a star because I get to travel overseas to places like Canada.”
-Britney Spears

Top 10 Signs Your Outdoors Toastmasters Meeting Isn't Working Out

2004-08-10T21:35:00.000-07:00

(I'm the president of my club, Toastmasters of La Jolla, and I kick off every meeting. In the summer, we have a meeting or two at the beautiful La Jolla Cove.)

Last week, I introduced a fixture to my Presidential comments, the top ten list. In the spirit of tonight’s theme, The Dog Days of Summer, here are the top ten signs that your outdoor Toastmasters meeting isn’t working out:

10. Bored members hanging around the free wine table long before the break.

9. Several of the guests keep looking around to make sure no one’s taking their shopping carts.

8. Instead of wine, your club serves 40 oz.’ers.

7. Audience members keep getting hit in head with Frisbees.

6. Your toastmaster’s theme is Lynyrd Skynyrd, and their CD player is infinitely repeating “Free Bird.”

5. The General Evaluator, dressed in a kilt, spends his entire two and a half minutes saying the club is filled with girlie-men.

4. Half the membership gets lost looking for the “meeting at the cave”

3. Your president shows up wearing only a thong.

2. The partisanship sweeping the nation overcomes your club as angry members throw salsa and squirt shaken-up beers at one another.

And the number one side that your outdoors Toastmasters meeting isn’t working out…

No one is sober enough to participate in table topics.

Ex-Nerd Finally Finds Sports Love

2004-05-12T15:33:00.000-07:00

Fact is, growing up I was a nerd, a geek, a four-eyes. I wouldn't say I wasn't physical, but I was short. I was good at math and other school subjects, so I got stereotyped.

Despite enjoying peewee baseball (where the ball was pitched by a machine), I took my leave when other kids my age started throwing the ball across the plate. It seemed to me they threw it with more speed than accuracy, and getting to play didn't outweight being hit. I tried soccer, too, but no one filled me in on the basics, and I was competing against kids who'd been playing for years. I didn't understand, and didn't enjoy it.

In elementary school, I wasn't one of the stars of kickball - I could occasionally kick for a "home run," but not consistently. In fact, my most memorable kickball moment was getting accidentally kicked in the jewels by a girl while waiting in line to kick.

I ran track for 2 years - I loved the 100 yard dash and the long jump. I tried the high jump, but couldn't get high enough for myself. Eventually, I'd had enough fun and moved on. I wasn't devoted to this one either. I loved handball, played with one of the big red kickballs - I played that almost every day, and was one of the best. I also loved a game called "prisoner bombardment," which was like a huge group dodgeball game - one team on each side of a basketball court, with four or six kickballs, the goal was to hit players on the opposite team, and then they had to go to your prison, in your backcourt - their teammates could "spring" them if they could throw a ball over to them, but if a competitor caught the ball, they also had to become a prisoner. They didn't play handball or prison bombardment in high school, though.

I never really tried basketball, though I did enjoy shooting baskets with my Dad in the driveway at home. I didn't even think of going out for football.

Even though there were sports I enjoyed, none of them were big, and I wasn't a sports kind of guy. I never "lettered" in any sport. I was on the tennis team for a year, but I had trouble with losing. I felt too 'on-the-spot', and took it too personally. It was hard not to be the best. Since I never devoted myself to any sport, I always was behind kids who had been practicing one for years.

The most I did in my Bachelor's degree was hike. I did a fair amount of that and enjoyed it. But I wasn't getting aerobic exercise.

I didn't find my true sports love until I was 28 years old. It was rock climbing. That is a story in itself, but the main thing I want to say is that finding my sport has changed my entire personality. I cut my long hair off. I am comfortable being physical. I understand aspects of being a man that I hadn't experience before. I suddenly got into college and NBA basketball after a lifetime of refusing to be a spectator of any sport. I suppose now that I had mine, I felt confident and secure enough to watch others have theirs. It no longer threatened my value, or my manhood.

Now I can watch all kinds of sports, and the benefit of that is getting to see the best examples of team activity and coaching. How to win and how to lose. How to work together. How to persist. How to have a goal and go after it no matter what.

Myths about Western Medicine

2004-03-01T15:38:00.000-08:00

Myths about Western Conventional Allopathic Medicine

Everything MD’s do in practice is based on research
Everything MD’s do in practice is what other MD’s do in practice
All good research is put into practice by MD’s within a year or two
Insurance is good
Side effects are a necessary part of effective medicine
MD’s are the only people qualified to understand and critique medical research
MD’s are so smart and well educated that they can practice acupuncture or recommend herbs without further training
Western medicine is the best at all forms of emergency medicine

My Spirituality for the New Agers

2003-10-09T15:36:00.001-07:00

I think our spiritual path is much more important than what we do for health. In reality, we can't separate the two, but we do consciously or unconsciously put one before the other. There are so many things you can put in front of or in place of a relationship with God. Until you actually have one, your life is just self-centered. I know this from my personal experience. It was all about me- even my spirituality was self-centered- until I truly surrendered to God. And I can't say I've done that perfectly, but I've reached a place where I am willing to put God's ideas and God's will before mine- so I seek it every day.

I think I have a different definition of spirituality than many people in my profession, indeed different from many of my patients. I distinguish spirituality from morality, from the emotions, and from the mind. My path and my studies have led me to the conclusion that, although there are relationships between them, there truly are different levels- a physical level, a mental level, an emotional level, and a spiritual level. Pure emotionalism- getting worked up- can be related to spirituality, but it isn't spiritual in itself. Something new to you can excite you emotionally. But dealing with your emotions is not necessarily dealing with your spirit. The mind is used to interact with the spiritual level of reality- we try to understand it, we pray, we read, we meditate and reflect on spiritual truths.

And certainly, I believe, and I have personally experienced that getting right spiritually improves mental, emotional, and even physical well being. But we have to be really careful here- that does not mean that everyone who has problems is not right spiritually. Some people believe if you are really spiritual, you will have a lot of money and perfect well-being. I know for a fact that some very spiritual people who are living right now, and historical who's who's of spirituality sometimes had serious diseases that didn't go away. For me it's really simple- God is good, and I'm thankful for all the good he gives us, but sometimes difficult things happen, including illness- and these can be used for good too. They develop our character.

Essential to my definition of spirituality is growing in your character. How patient are you? How loving? How humble? How generous? How other-oriented? How god-oriented? The spiritual path I've taken has changed my character. I was shy, angry, impatient, dishonest, and self-centered. By surrendering to God, examining myself through journaling, praying, meditating, sharing, and helping others, I've changed. I'm not perfect and never will be, but my character has improved. I'm somewhere between where I was, and where God's perfection is.

And believe it or not, that's the short version.

My Spirituality for the New Agers

2003-10-09T15:36:00.000-07:00

What Would I Tell My Son About Spirituality?

2003-06-13T15:30:00.000-07:00

God is good. Don't let anyone fool you though; God is a just and disciplined father as well. He wants only good for us, just like I only want good for you. If I have to punish you, or tell you what you're doing is wrong, it's not because I don't love you, but because I want you to stop doing the things that will get you lost, hurt, and in trouble. Just as I raise you with discipline and love, so does God raise us.

And he sacrificed himself by giving his son for us. It's a mystery, because Jesus was God's son, but also equally God. So Jesus shows us how unselfish God's love is. And who can imagine how hard it would be to send your only son to suffer more than anyone ever had suffered for the good of people who did not even love him back! This perfect love, a love greater than any we will ever have, is an example for us, an ideal, and it saved us.

What did it save us from? From sin and death. Most people don't understand sin these days. All they can see is that it means they are bad, and that God doesn't like them. Well, it's true that we are bad without the influence of God. How else can we explain all the evil that men do? I think without God, we'd have a much worse time here in the world. Since we've had the influence of the holy spirit on men and ciricumstances for thousands of years, maybe we don't remember what it was like without it.

So we all have sin- ever since Adam. Don't worry about whether Adam was a real man, or if it was fiction. If we take the Bible seriously, we have to say he was a real man, the first one- but don't get lost in that debate. In any case, people do all kinds of things to avoid believing they have sin. They may make mistakes, they think, but that's ok. And it is. They may not be perfect, they think, but that's ok. And it is. But only if you have God, because otherwise we are lost, and life is a meaningless, random series of mistakes. And no one was ever perfect, they think, but they're wrong. Jesus was perfect. He was the perfect human. But he was more than an example; he was a sacrifice for us, a gift from the ultimate Father with the greatest Love there is.

But to avoid admitting they have sin, a deeply rooted evil, in them, people will say that God is love and only one kind of live. The Nice God. They believe that God is like a weak overweight woman- that he'll let you do whatever you want because he loves you. Partly true. No matter what you do wrong, he still loves you. True. I think that this misperception about who God is may come from the sin that has taken men out of families, and the influence of real fathers away from sons; as a result, we have only mama's boys who were never strengthened by a Godly discipline. They only know mom's soft love, and dad's harsh wrongness. They cannot imagine a good discipline, a person who loves them telling them they need to change their ways.Well, he will let you do whatever you want, and he does love you, but that doesn't mean he approves of all your actions, or that all roads lead to Him. He does love you no matter what you do wrong, but he still knows you are wrong. If he is perfect, and we are imperfect, how could we not be wrong?! How could we not need him? How could we not need his guidance and his Way?

So the next strategy to avoid honesty with self is to believe that we are all little gods. We all have god within us. Well, the Bible says that we are all children of God, created in his image- that means we have his likeness. But we are less than God, even if we are a bit more than angels. The angels are used for other heresies... but to me those beliefs are obviously weird- why go to some weird spirit you've never heard of instead of Jesus, the Holy Spirit, or God? In any case, though we are cut from the same mold, we do not have the same perfection that God does. His spirit influences us IF we have accepted Jesus. I just heard J. Vernon McGee say that if you are unsaved, all God wants from you is to accept the gift of his son. That's it. Until you do that, there's nothing else for you but to be lost in sin. You do have the goodness that comes from those who have the influence of the Holy Spirit, and those who are for some time able to imitate goodness (even if they don't truly have it). But you have only one issue before you, and that is to admit that you have this problem of sin, that you need God to deal with that, and that His chosen way to deal with it was to give you his Son. And until you accept the son, you are lost. It's obvious that we are not little gods without the Spirit... if we were God, we could create things, we could change reality, we could have whatever we wanted, we'd be perfect. If you believe that, you're in big trouble, because you'll think all your anger is righteous, and all your ideas are good. Conscience cannot reach a person like that, so they do all kinds of damage. There's not much difference between that and a sociopath.

So why would God let people stay lost? Why should they go to Hell? Well, if God made them choose him, it wouldn't be a choice, we wouldn't have free will, and we wouldn't have to talk about any of this! In a way, it's because he respects us, because we are his children and made in his image. We have the ability to see the truth of sin and God and Jesus. We can make the right choice. If we don't, and we choose to embrace sin instead, then we probably wouldn't like Heaven much anyway. Let's take someone who loves to lazily indulge in random sex and drugs and selfishness... wouldn't it be wrong to make that person go into a lively Church service and worship God? Well what do you think Heaven is? If you think it's one big orgy followed by a buffet, you're definitely stuck in sin. Heaven will not be an opportunity for you to indulge in sinful lusts and desires. It will be your reward for refusing those things on earth! We're gonna worship God in Heaven. If you don't like that here on earth, you're gonna hate Heaven. Hell is much worse, but the life of sin is more like Hell than Heaven. Except, I think Satan uses some of his influence to make sin kinda enjoyable here- gives us the illusion that it's fulfilling- but it's a temporary satisfaction- as Mick Jagger pointed out. It's not the ultimate satisfaction. It doesn't last and keep on giving and stay pure like the memory of unselfish giving does.

So, there's only one choice. Admit you have sin. Admit you can't fix that yourself. Admit you've been avoiding it and running from God. Choose to go home like the prodigal son. God wants you back. He loves you. He misses you. He's a real Father with real Love. You need Him. Don't spit in his face and reject his Son. Don't crucify his Son again. Don't make his incredible sacrifice meaningless. How could you be so selfish and disrespectful? Instead, thank Him. Tell Him you finally understand. You need the Son. You don't want to stay lost. You want to be saved from sin, death, and Hell. You want the influence of the Holy Spirit while you're here on earth. You want to find out how good real worship is. You want to be in Heaven with your real Father's real Love forever. Pray to Him right now and tell him.

That's the most important thing you'll ever do!

Scientists Discover Forgetful Husband Gene

2003-06-11T15:21:00.000-07:00

NEWS RELEASE

FOR RELEASE:June 11, 2003

Fifteen years of research culminated yesterday in the announcement that scientists with the Olvida Corporation in Paris had mapped the gene thought to be responsible for poor memory in married men. The gene, whose scientific name is Y-gamma-testostine, is affectionately called the ‘Forgetful Husband Gene,’ or FHG.

“The era of lost keys and forgotten anniversaries may soon come to an end. Perhaps marriages endangered by this perceived insensitivity may even be saved,” suggested French Geneticist Jean Claude Vann-Darne.

“FHG is definitely linked to the Y-chromosome,” Vann-Darne explained. “It mitigates neuronal activity in the nucleus accumbens. What’s remarkable is that it only does this after marriage. Henceforth, the memory function of affected husbands for family schedules is completely absent.”

More studies are needed to verify the differences in genetic and neurochemical activity in unmarried men living with girlfriends or fiancés. “What we don’t understand is how the gene knows its man has gotten married,” intimated Vann-Darne.

The human genome project recently completed its map of all human genes. Geneticists now begin with the genome map, and then design biomedical studies to investigate correlations between genes and physiologic processes. This map has made projects like the ‘Forgetful Husband Gene’ faster and less expensive.

The similarity of the third part of FHG’s name - testostine - to testosterone is no coincidence. “We’ve found that men with high testosterone levels are not only more likely to go bald, but also more likely to forget birthdays, anniversaries, and plane flights.”

When asked how difficult it would be to turn the forgetful husband gene off, Vann-Darne was cautious. “It’s hard to say at this point. It looks as if this may be the type of gene we call ‘stubborn.’ Plus, we can’t say for sure that forgetful husbands will want to have their FHG blocked. It might interfere with important football games, trips to Home Depot, or other high-testosterone activities. However, our marketing department is already drawing up advertisements for these men’s wives.”

Jim Guantano, a spokesperson for the men’s organization, Forgetful Not Selfish (FNS) was confident that this new research would pave the way for easier passing of more men’s rights laws. FNS is expected to begin lobbying state legislatures next month for disability policies, tax credits, and free pocket organizers for men affected by the Forgetful Husband Gene.

“We’ve had enough of the jokes about our memories,” said Guantano. “They’re slurs, plain and simple, and now that it’s been proven that men can’t do anything about their 'forgetters,’ people are just going to have to learn to be more sensitive.”

###

Evil Fuel That Poisons the Entire Machine

2003-05-04T15:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I want to be a great man, a historical figure, a dynamo- and I have gone that route, but it has ended in migraines and irascibility. Other times, I simply want to enjoy life, and I know that I am wasting time that a great man could not afford. But I think the desire for fame only comes out of envy for the attention the already famous receive- envy and self-seeking are not good motives. They are evil fuel that poisons the entire machine.

On the other hand, if I am centered on God, and live in his will, then I believe that he will put my talents to good use. There is nothing wasted in God's economy. So again, the central question is do I have the humilty and wisdom to accept that my way leads to suffering, and God's way to glory.